Archive for the ‘Guest Post – B’ Category

Attack of the Compilation – Another Guest Spot

metalegion issue six pic

Putting the Metalegion (issue #6) Sampler CD under scrutiny

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve last touched Cult’s keyboard and tainted his site with my presence. For those scratching their heads in confusion, this is the neighborhoods (probably not your hood’s, I’m imagine each have their own in one shape or another, but most definitely Cults) friendly “demon”. Of course, I use that term lightly as it’s a word which has been passed down through a multitude of generations in ignorance. In all honesty I’m not even sure what to call myself. I’ve lived for longer than I care to mention though have the occasional snippet, snapshot if you prefer, of my past life. That is to say a myriad of instances before the time I rematerialized into service for one of the great Unholy ones (that’s a close enough proximation for anyone to understand, right?) At present, for some reason or another, I find myself on the Earthly plane transforming into what could honestly be called a kindergartener’s representation of a monstrous garden gnome (it looks more impressive in person, trust me) and chasing felines (those pesky four-legged diabolical creatures) for that’s what floats my boat. Hey, it could be worse. When I catch up with them, I introduce myself then break out the eating utensils. I’ll spare the grisly details suffice to say they taste a whole ton better than Raccoons and Possums (which all bear a decidedly earthy texture and an after taste which is rather difficult to scrape away.)

Alf-Cat-Lunch

Before I continue, I feel I must say it’s recently come to my attention that another creature of decidedly more renown than myself is famous for the attention he gives to his shall we say pussy eating appetites (nope, it’s not Ron Jeremy). I’d like to set the record straight, I’m not ALF, neither do I look like ALF and you can rest assured my movements aren’t dictated by a large arm moving around inside my rectal cavity. And I certainly I don’t spend my downtime on a hook in a bag, stuffed in a Hollywood closet waiting for a reprise.

With that out of the way, you may be wondering what exactly is it which brings me back to the messy desk of Cult? In all honesty it’s been hard to even approach it in recent weeks as he’s been milking a knee surgery (poor bastard, wait a few months and I’ll take out the other one for me. But he’ll have to ask nicely) for all its worth. During this time, he’s been complaining, knocking back pain killers like they’re going out of style and generally been acting like a real ass. Apart from that he’s been scribbling like one possessed and has even taken up losing his nose in written texts. (I didn’t even know he could read. Seriously, have you read his attempts at writing?) I believe he’s even put down a few words on the last one he actually finished.

Dr Suess and metal

I’m not even sure what I had in mind here. But this is Dr. Suess and metal (albeit a lunchbox).

Surprise, surprise it wasn’t a Dr. Suess book but rather an entry in the Lincoln Rhyme series, I’d imagine that he garnered interest from the television show (which I even caught snippets of, in between my quests for tasty treats). And for reasons unknown it wasn’t even the first entry. I guess he has a little catching up to do?

 

Anyhow, enough about me and my adventures. What say I tell you about the newest audio treat which has somehow found its way within my grasp. Much like Cult I have a vice for burying my senses deep into musical compilations. Strangely it’s of the same style. In this case the CD consists of artists who have either recently appeared, or have had their output advertised in a magazine which Cult contributes to. Odd that he has to find a magazine so far away to write for. Metalegion Magazine is out of Portugal. Perhaps the language barrier results in Cult’s scribbling sounding infinitely more intelligent? There might be a myriad of other reasons, all rather puzzling to me. In the latest I guess he even has a segment entitled “Popcorn not Allowed” in which he waffles on about an influential dead fellow and a few movies that, this is the puzzling part, he might have enjoyed?

the evil dead poster special edition

May I present – The Evil – Fkn’ Dead

Regardless Cult likes horror, I like grisly images, tension and humans running around screaming in fear for their lives so I guess I’ll make the time to rummage through his collection in order that I might be able to look into out the features he recommends (The Evil Dead, The Void and John Dies at the End for the record).

Now, where was I? Ah yes. The sampler CD from Metalegion magazine (issue six). It come wrapped in plastic alongside a single sheet of paper emblazoned with images. Wait, am I supposed to cut this out to fashion a makeshift case? You really do not want me around scissors. Trust me.

The track listing promises diversity (at least the pictures representing the artists included do) and is as follows;

Thanatos

Thanatos – The Silent War

Melektaus – N.O.X. The Night of Pain

Holycide – Empty Cyber Life

Berserker Legion – Obliterate the Weak

Asarhaddon – Die Vergangnis Erwacht

Mortuary – Delete – Replace

Kevlar Skin – Scourge of Hate

Blasphemathory

Welicoruss – Siberian Heathen Horde

Blasphemathory – Owners of the Death

Unbounded Terror – Hiding from the Light

Nawabs of Destruction – The Merciless

Embloodyment – Master of Disaster

Just Darkness – Between Birth and Death

The Flesh Trading Company – Black Spell Conspiracy

Disinfect

VxPxOxAxAxWxAxMxC – Against Humans, Against Animals, Against Everything

Disinfect – White Lighting

Hangatyr – Blick Aus Eis

Harsh – Bipolar Confrontation

With that out of the way, and the frustration that I should have most probably utilized ‘cut and paste’, I’ll proceed into the meat of the article. But first however let’s explore the ratings system I’ve designed especially for this purpose (it’s a little different than Cults, his is a little tame. Mine reflects more my personality as you’ll likely soon discover);

confued Orc

Uhh-! I’m still confused.

Abysmal.

Not in the good way. Toss this in the ocean and punch the nearest passerby to let out the frustration of spending money on schiite such as this. Jesus might like this. But I still believe it has the potential to do naught but line the birds cage. Jesus loves everything, which in my opinion is rather silly. Jesus you’re a prat!

Hrrrrrhhhhh-!

Better, this shows potential. Much like, I’d imagine, your mother on a first date. But it still leaves me wanting. And she needs more training; those French fries weren’t free dammit!

The Goblin are Going CRAZY!

Admittedly the annoying green bastid’ like most things and get excited at the drop of a turd but occasionally they have a suggestion which turns heads. And if the whole collective, much like an obnoxious stench-ridden green tide, agrees there must be something worth giving, at least, a cursory glance towards.

Time for a Crimson Splattered Moshpit!

Now this is worth sharing, break out the goblets, the fiery liquid, the unwilling, let’s break some limbs and party till the Dark Lord yells at us to get back to work!

All Mine!

I’m a selfish bastid’. And this is too fkn’ good to share, it’s all mine. Just try to take it!!

So, what exactly does this compilation offer and is the magazine worth purchasing? I’ll answer the second question first. Simply put it’s a resounding yes! There are two posters included, hundreds of reviews, interviews, features on artists and let us not forget more than a few words from Cult. The cost of entry alone is worth it just to be able to laugh at his prose, seriously… Onward.

Lest I forget, details on the magazine (both physical and digital formats) can be found here: https://www.metalegion.com/content/

Sampler CD from metalegion issue six

The Sampler CD in all its glory!

This compilation offers as one might expect, its share of stylistic diversity and quality, which thankfully isn’t hampered by label restrictions (in other words and to simplify things this isn’t a compilation based on the output of one label alone). These acts represent a wide variety of labels, most probably undiscovered with a roster of acts warranting exploration. With a preliminary listen out of the way I already have a few favorites and a slew of others which more than tickle my intrigue.

Those tracks which managed to tickle my senses are as follows;

Melektaus

Melektaus (Chile) – N.O.X. The Night of Pain

https://ironbloodanddeath.bandcamp.com/album/self-knowledge-disintegrate-the-veils

Brutal Death with sinister undertones from South America. The heavily accented vocals add just the right amount (is there ever just the “right amount”?) of menace and formidability.

Holycide (Spain) – Empty Cyber Life

https://holycide.bandcamp.com/

I wouldn’t consider myself a Thrash fan. However, this has a certain something about it (perhaps it’s the vocal cadence which is strangely familiar, or the odd rhythms set against blistering moshtastic riffs, or the gang vocals. I honestly can’t put my malformed finger upon it) which caresses my lovin’ it senses. There’s a wide variety of influence on display here and it strangely works.

Berserker Legion

Berserker Legion (International) – Obliterate the Weak

https://listenable-records.bandcamp.com/album/obliterate-the-weak

I’m not going to lie. I’ve performed a little research on the members within this collective and I’m left intrigued as to what would come of their combined abilities. I’m happy with the outcome. The style represents a myriad of influence ranging from across the Death spectrum notably from whence the members hail (Vader, Hypocrisy and Asphyx). This offers chuggery aplenty and a style to split the face of fans of European Death with a look of sated silliness.

Blasphemathory (Mexico) – Owners of the Death

https://ironbloodanddeath.bandcamp.com/album/war-blasphemy-divine-destruction

Brutal Death channeling HM2 worship. A sinister vibe permeates this track, there’s enough ominous atmosphere to go around, and a heady drum mix which has me stomping like an impatient goat. I’m of the believe this track which will most certainly have the curious kind running their digits over a keyboard in exploration.

unbounded terror

Unbounded Terror (Spain) – Hiding from the Light

https://unboundedterror.bandcamp.com/

It’s been a few years,decades, since this act has released anything, touted as one of Spain’s first Death Metal acts these guys haven’t much to their discography, but now they’re back with a youthful line up and energy. This track has sufficient bounce (yes, “bounce”) and atmosphere to yank the interest receptors into waking up and taking notes, if only they were capable of such during the types of movements this is likely to spurn.

Embloodyment (Spain) – Master of Disaster

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCrvlkew0sHcmxCK9v9FS5cA

“Squashing clown heads with a bat”? Count me in! Admittedly this is “meat and potatoes” Death Metal, it doesn’t carve any new ground but it hits the spot.

just darkness

Just Darkness (Russia) – Between Life and Death

https://justdarkness.bandcamp.com/releases

Atmospheric Black Metal with old school vocals. Break out the candles, salt and a virgin. (Wait what we can’t find a virgin? Let’s call the whole thing off).

The following tracks are likely to send me into an uncontrollable frenzy (at least on a first listen basis who knows what they are likely to do once I set the ears upon them again?)

Thanatos (The Netherlands) – The Silent War

https://thanatos666.bandcamp.com/

This pounding Blackened Death assault (with Thrash, OSDM of the mid-tempo kind and diabolical leanings. Do I sound like Cult yet?) is a fantastic introduction to the audio on offer (and the band itself) and has me prancing around as though no one is watching (are they?) Who cares? This is a rippin’ track which deserves to be shared and cranked!

asarhaddon

Asarhaddon (Germany) – Die Vergangnis Erwacht

https://asarhaddon.bandcamp.com/

I vividly remember Cult going apeshit over this act. And I can now understand why. Melodic Black Metal with ferocious female vocals. I believe I’m going to have to raid Cult’s collection so I can revel in what exactly it is that this album offers. I believe this is one of his favorites from this year. And seems as our tastes don’t vary that much, I’m assuming I should lay the plastic sheeting out. I get messy when I’m excited.

Mortuary (France) – Delete – Replace

https://mortuarynancy.bandcamp.com/

This track does not let up. A brilliant mix of Grindcore, Brutal Death and Death with ecstatic aggressive Thrash rhythms. If you can stay still while listening to this, odds are you have no pulse. And I was of the mistaken the understanding that France was only famous for its hatred of the English, that, Frog legs and croissants. Add metal to the list.

Nawabs of Destruction

Nawabs of Destruction (Bangladesh) – The Merciless

https://nawabsofdestruction.bandcamp.com/album/rising-vengeance

Tech Death, Progressive/Tech Death, Brutal/Tech Death with a sprinkling of Post (whatever the Fug that is?) Cult would have a fit trying to describe what’s on offer here. Whatever it can classified as there’s no doubt this track has all the right ingredients to light a fire under the ass of those who prefer their audio with, how should we say, undeniable diverse qualities. Strange then that I’m liking this so much, I’m more of the instant gratification (love that phrase) type of fan. However, the question still remains. What’s a “Nawab”?

The Flesh Trading Company

The Flesh Trading Company (Germany) – Black Spell Conspiracy

https://thefleshtradingcompany.bandcamp.com/

The bands logo made me curious. It looks as though one might be in for a Country type of ride, Yeehaw! Thankfully, this isn’t the case here (although I’m kinda’ in the mood for some Country dancin’. Wait what?) This track is a little different than most in that its style is both Heavy Metal, Death and Rock and Roll. I’m sure there’s a name for that combination, but it isn’t coming to mind and I can’t be asked to look it up. Regardless this track is a great introduction to an act which most have never heard of.

Disinfect (Germany) – White Lightning

https://disinfect.bandcamp.com/album/abaddon

With a name like “Disinfect” one could well imagine a Christian metal/rock act (yuck!) But this is as far from that as one can possibly get. No, this isn’t Jazz. This is Brutal Death! And it checks all the boxes, it doesn’t wade too far into guitar ‘wankery’ waters yet it displays enough movement to sate. Short and to the point, this is my jam!

Hangatyr

Hangatyr (Germany) – Blick Aus Eis

https://hangatyr.bandcamp.com/album/kalt

Germany is getting quite the representation in this compilation and who would think they might spawn Black Metal (I’m waiting for a flood of emails from the “know-it-all” genre enthusiasts) that’s up there in stunning caliber with their European counterparts? This is frigid, blistering audio indeed. And there I was thinking I wasn’t a fan of a genre renowned for its corpse painting and church burning antics (before one starts to place digit to keyboard in complaint, I know there’s more on offer in the genre, I’m merely exhibiting my darkly humorous, some might take it as offensive, personality). Guess I’m wrong. Back to the drawing board. But I’m digging this. I’m up for suggestions for other acts in a similar vein to draw me deeper into the shadowy fold. Anyone?

an out of control pit

Fkn’ Metal!

With all this in mind, the list of favorites seen above and the diversity of styles on offer (but I see no Doom here or Stoner Rock or whatever the hell else the vast spectrum of Metal offers, get a grip. You can’t please everyone) I’m happy to stamp this with my seal of approval. In actuality I’ll give this a Time for a Crimson Splattered Moshpit! (Now this is worth sharing, break out the goblets, the fiery liquid, the unwilling, let’s break some limbs and party till the Dark Lord yells at us to get back to work!) rating bordering on All Mine! Admittedly there were a few tracks which didn’t molest the pleasure sensors, but I didn’t skip once and that counts, right?

And this brings me to the conclusion of another Attack of the Compilation piece, I rather like doing these I’ll admit. Here’s hoping I get another chance to do so. Until next we meet.

B

Take time out to rescue a cat (I’m hungry).

Scorching the Retinas – Zombieland 2; Double-Tap

Zombieland 2; Double Tap
Writer – Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, Dave Callaham.
Director – Rubin Fleischer
Runtime – 99 minutes

Zombieland_Double_Tap_teaser_poster

Well, Cult has gone and done it again. That is, he’s done nothing! He’s really quite unable to. Poor bastid. In between his job, the crazy business of the current situation, and looking after his frenetic toddler he’s barely enough time to make use of his RedTube subscription. Those hands must be twitching!

As if you haven’t noticed this is another zombie film review and it doesn’t take but a few seconds and a creative spin on the lady holding the torch in the (Columbia Pictures) credits to realize the same. (Another zombie film, yet another zombie film) However, this seems different than most. I’m “primed”, and in record time.

(trailer courtesy of Sony Pictures Entertainment)

Much like the first installment, in this series, the narrative plays an important part; “rules” are still important (but are they really? With rules comes complacency and boredom which more often than not leads to chaos). Types of zombies are given monikers; humor is prevalent and crimson is thankfully tossed around more liberally than ‘buzz words’ in a college debate.

(ZKotY courtesy of Fandango Movieclips)

Our old heroes, each named after a memorable city (in some instances a State), are back at it. But some are getting fed up and decide it’s high time to spice things up even though they’ve just spent a great deal of time trashing 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (aka The White House). The collective split into two factions and go their own merry ways. Enter an (hypothetical) esteemed trophy and the humor quotient of the film rockets into the stratosphere.  “Zombie Kill of the Week” (or even the Year) is awarded to the most inventive survivors with a thirst for that which spikes the adrenaline and ultimately keeps them alive; slaughtering the undead but in the most ingenious of ways.

zombieland 2 madison

It’s where strangers give other strangers a ride, but it’s not a Taxi service.

The film progresses. One-liners fly as often as disembodied limbs and the cast of characters (ones with a pulse) builds. “Shut the fuck up. I know what you’re about to say…she’s dating a musician.” Tensions soon become flared and opinions whiz around much like projectiles shot by drunken teenagers in a firing range. There’s even a business proposition tossed around which would make the flawed Taxi industry sit up and take note.

zombieland 2 I don't like you at all

Add in a few references to “The Brave Little Toaster” and a landmark book by Steinbeck with “Mice” and “Men” in the title and the movie keeps entertaining. But it gets better, our heroes meet their doppelgangers, come to the conclusion they are indeed annoying pricks and again are left to ponder what’s left to discover on the open road, decide it’s worth a shot and move on (drop that John Denver track here DJ).

Tallahasse Zombieland 2

Just what’s in it for me?

Include a monster truck, a Valleygirl who is rather easy to look upon, lifelong dreams of visiting Graceland, a Peace commune and the rest, as they say, is history. But let’s not forget the amazing FX (this movie has a budget), kills aplenty, Woody Harrelson and a zombie upgrade (these bastids don’t fuck around!)

I can only hope the current Covid situation doesn’t transform this planet into much the same predicament. As I for one will go back underground, wa-ay underground in fact and take my chances with quite possibly the worst boss ever (the horned bastid himself and his many minions who are most probably going to notice the undocumented time I’ve taken away from my post) and the ‘tide of stinky green’ often referred to as the amassed Goblin hordes.  Let’s face it, odds are Mr. Woody Harrelson isn’t about to leave his compound to save the world. And why would he want to? Seriously?

And that’s about it. It’s been brief for which I have many a factor to blame but most notably my penchant for gnawing on those delicious four-legged creatures known as cats.

zombieland 2 emma stone

Badass of the Zombie wastes

But in all seriousness the taste is worth all the time it takes to clean the fur from between the teeth. But back to the movie, as I’m sure Cult would wish me to come to some sort of a conclusion. By all means, check it out. It has more zombies than you can shake a stick at (literally) and Emma Stone. Did I mention this has Emma Stone  in it? (Yumm). Woody Harrelson is obviously another great reason to give this peek, but it isn’t just that. The movie has a great flow, is entertaining throughout, be it through humor or abundant grisliness and all of the characters (the main original characters) are the kind one would find it easy to root for. To too it off, for all those old school thrash fans out there it also features a Metallica classic. There’s admittedly little to complain about. Give this a spin!

B

zombieland bill murray

Zom…b…laaannnndddd!

Whoops. Nearly forgot. Stick around for the credits to hear Bill Murrays reasonings as to why he tackled a third “Garfield” (he’s a tubby little thing, I wonder what he’d taste like?) film.

Who doesn’t hate Monday’s?

Scorching the Retinas – Tackling the Wrong Turn Franchise

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)
wrong turn 2 cover art
Writers – Turi Meyer, Alfredo Septien, Alan B McElroy
Director – Joe Lynch
Runtime – 97 minutes
20th Century Fox, Summit Entertainment, Constantin Film Production

Sure, why not start in the middle rather than at the beginning? Well, I did and here I am. Cult is away again, probably sleeping already. He’s on vacation and he’s stuck with his young un’ at home, and let me tell you, she’s a spirited one. If she ain’t singing “Let it Go” or “Into the Unknown” she’s storming around like a Princess, with an attitude to fit. But getting back on track; I’ve got the reins now with snippets of that Slayer Comp still ragin’ through my ears.
So what say we get started.

(trailer courtesy of Movie Clips Classic Trailers)

“Wrong Turn 2” was made back in 2007 and it doesn’t take long to realize this. Cell phones are flip things, and earpieces are akin to those unsightly slabs of metal worn on “Star Trek” (the early series with good old Shat not the newer ones).

wrong turn 2 opening kill

Breast or Thigh? …It doesn’t matter!

Anyhows,  this chick, in the opening scene, is belligerent, screaming at her agent about one thing or another then she plows this poor chap down.  and wouldn’t you know it the poor bugga’ scratched up her Stang. Now rather than being somewhat pissed, who wouldn’t he scratched up the Stang’, she’s unsure, hysterical. However, this doesn’t last long. Some logger type looking chap makes his way outta the woods and cuts her in Twain. Downwards (“Terrifier” style), not across and this movie is off to a great start with perhaps one of the finest kill scenes to open up a movie ever. And my popcorn has suddenly found itself with extra butter (or a liquid which looks strangely close).

Wrong turn 2 Henry Rollins

End scene. Enter Mr. Black Flag, Henry (motherfkn’) Rollins, and an introduction to a reality game show of sorts with six contestants (five now, or seven. All depending on how one looks at it) and a theme centered around the Apocalypse (at this point we should all be taking notes and making time to rewatch the “Mad Max” franchise). Naturally, all of the contestants are young, nubile, hot to trot and bursting with enthusiasm.
A quick look behind the scenes shows the competition heating up and a producer wearing a “Battle Royal” shirt which is rather fitting (if you haven’t seen it, drop whatcha’ doing and prepare to forget Hollywood’s take on it; which is often referred to as “The Hunger Games” franchise).

wrong turn 2 i wanna play

Peek a boo!

The games begin, the rules are explained and it’s clear from the get-go who’s present for the money and who for the prestige of competing. Mr. Rollins does a great job of emulating the drill Sergeant from “The Frighteners” and “Full Metal Jacket” (R. Lee Ermey) and there’s another stand out scene in the books. But it ain’t all fun and games. There’s something uninvited in the woods which wants to join in but with rules of it’s own choosing.

“Holy shit, the whole family’s deformed” about describes the way the remainder of the movie goes. Powered by “The Hills Have Eyes” and general Slasher movie mayhem on bathsalts the kills come fast and furious, unflinching, just like Daddy likes them and uncompromising to boot. Seriously folks, this has more guts in its first half than most reputable Cult Cannibal flicks and a shotgun which would put many cannons to shame.

wrong turn 2 Boom

BOOM!

The pace here is remarkable, fluid and feverish throughout, enough to spike anyone’s adrenaline and the characters varied enough to bring forth opinions ranging from instant I don’t care if you perish hatred to I wish you’re the one who survives to repopulate the world adoration. The acting isn’t horrid enough to deter from the story, which is somewhat minimal, but it matters not when the screen is drenched in this much grue.
The finale looms, there’s enough blood and body parts scattered to give Dahmer a boner and the cast is significantly smaller in size, but more widespread,(that’s a pun), than when the movie commenced. But the action remains slick and sticky (nope, this isn’t another filling every available orifice extravaganza flick) two teams face off and…
Well that’s where I’m going to leave my blow-by-blow (enough of the double entendres already) commentary.

wrong turn 2 lunch

This is strange. I can see my spleen.

To cut this short, for it’s about my bedtime, Joe Lynch has far surpassed himself here. A homage to a wide swath of slasher flicks doused with a generous dollop of dark humor and enough glorious FX to sate the most depraved of penchants I’m pleased to state that this brings to the table more crimson goodies than any “Friday the 13th” flick and an overall viewing experience I would somewhat liken to (one of Cults favorites) “Dead Alive”.

chillerama

“Wrong Turn 2” is frenetic, unflinching, graphic, splattered with antagonists which appear immortal (though most certainly don’t live like it) and dotted with characters one wants to root for. The effects are abundant, grisly and executed with attention to detail (that explosion. Wow!) The directing is top notch, again huge props to the mind behind one of the sickest segments within “Chillerama”, and there’s seriously not a complaint here. Boobs, blood, guts, an inbred fellow who looks like he was plucked from a John Hughes film, tons of pitch humor and a final scene which puts Tobe Hoopers “The Mangler” to shame. This is my kind of film. Did I mention Henry Rollins is in this? I did, well shit I’ll say it again, cus’ he deserves another mention. Go get em’ Rambo (whoops!)
Do whatever you have to be able to set the eyes upon this. I much prefer this over any of the “Friday the 13th” films. Don’t @ me, I don’t care. I don’t have any allegiances, I like whatever puts a stoopid grin on my face. And now I’ve said my part. I’m out!
Shit. I Nearly forgot, Cult likes ‘ratings’ now. If it needs one, fuk, I guess a 9.5 will suffice.

The wrong turn collection

Here’s hoping I get the chance to lay words on the others in the franchise. If they’re anything like this I’m happy to oblige. Naturally I’ve plucked the wrong image from the internet to show the others in the series. This one shows the regular (British) versions, I’ll be diving into the uncut versions whenever I can find them, and the time, and access to Cult’s keyboard in order that I can diarrhea my thoughts all lover his site. Until then.

Abrasive Audio – Attack of the Compilation

Attack of the Compilation – Extreme Metal Attack XVII

exterem metal fest #2

Well, here I am again. It’s been a while. Admittedly I’ve been busy spreading chaos, strife and depravity across that which many call “The Heartlands”. But seriously, I’m having a grand ole time there’s no shortage of four-legged furry things to curb my appetite and the attitudes and people in this area put most Wal-mart parody websites to shame. My adventures have not been without strife however. The weather can put a damper on many things though from what I’ve heard this winter has been comparatively mild compared to ones before. But it doesn’t matter, there’s snow and I’m not used to the stuff. Seriously what the fuck is it anyway? And why does it have to impede upon all my fun? On the bright side there’s plenty to see following its aftermath. Comical scenes including sportscars and spinning wheels. Multi vehicle Pileups on that which most drive across at insane speeds. Highways, Interstates I’m confused. I’ll avoid traversing them at all costs. Though they do provide quite the entertainment.

syncronized headbangin

Not quite what my former duties entailed but I wish they would in the future

Now, where was I? Cult’s house, yes, I’m here! And surprise, surprise, his email is delivering quite the feast for the eyes and ears. Tons of promos to sift through. I’d say this fellow is drowning in promotional materials, but what do I know I’m merely a former denizen of the Underworld enjoying a prolonged vacation until the ether opens up and I’m yanked back to my former duties.

 

Now this, this is interesting indeed, and brings back a few memories of when my mishapen digits alighted upon Cults keyboard for the first time (actually the first time was when I pondered upon a single by Bewitcher. But who’s being counting?) What say we take another audio foray into a compilation which promotes yet another Extreme Metal Fest taking part in Portugal? This isn’t a question, and I don’t wish for your opinion. For I’m taking the plunge…

Extreme Metal Attack XVII

https://helldprod.bandcamp.com/album/extreme-metal-attack-xvii-2020

HelldProd Records

March/20/2020

etreme metalfest die hard pack

(The event itself is scheduled for March 20/21 (2020) in Metalpoint Porto and promises a grand time for all those wishing to bathe themselves in a festival atmosphere with like-minded individuals driven by the glory of underground metal)

And for those wishing to know the bands involved in both the fest and this compilation I’m happy to oblige (and they’re actually in order of appearance on the tape, for nothing screams Kvlt like a cassette, for those interested)

Ungod – Down to Tartaros

Alcoholocaut – Speed Metal Tornado

Supremative – Omnipresent Morbid Excitement

Rapture – Thriving on Atrocity

Fabulous Desaster – Faster Than Light

Deathwomb – Moonless Night Sacraments

Aggressive Perfector – Turbo-Evil

Vectis – No Mercy for the Weak

Necro Chaos – Infernal Flood

Now if this promises to be anything like the last ‘Extreme Fest’ outing the fleshy audio catchers are in for an old school party drenched in darkness, speed and evil.

Naturally I’ve devised a ratings system, which has a tad more flavor than that which Cult employs, for this very purpose (why do I sound like the bloke from Taken?) and here it is in all of its depraved glory;

confued Orc

Wait. I’m still confused

Abysmal.

Not in the good way. Toss this in the ocean and punch the nearest passerby to let out the frustration of spending money on schiite such as this. Jesus might like this. But I still believe it has the potential to do naught but line the birds cage. Jesus loves everything, which in my opinion is rather silly. Jesus you’re a prat!

Hrrrrrhhhhh-!

Better, this shows potential. Much like, I’d imagine, your mother on a first date. But it still leaves me wanting. And she needs more training; those French fries weren’t free dammit!

The Goblin are going crazy!

Admittedly the annoying green bastid’ like most things and get excited at the drop of a turd but occasionally they have a suggestion which turns heads. And if the whole collective, much like an obnoxious stench-ridden green tide, agrees there must be something worth giving, at least, a cursory glance towards.

Time for a Crimson Splattered Moshpit!

Now this is worth sharing, break out the goblets, the fiery liquid, the unwilling, let’s break some limbs and party till the Dark Lord yells at us to get back to work!

All Mine!

I’m a selfish bastid’. And this is too fkn’ good to share, it’s all mine. Just try to take it!!

Well there it is and I still have the compilation playing betwix my mishappen ears as I’m typing this (correcting a varied assortment of typos as I go) so it seriously can’t be all that bad. Unlike last year’s compilation this provides more a smorgasbord (I like this word I’ll have to use it more often!) of styles. Ranging from old school bleak cavernous drenched in evil black metal to more a heavy metal approach with “singy” vocals (as if plucked from the eighties) and a plethora of speed laden head bangin’ tracks between. There’s honesty plenty here to delight. However, I have my favorites and I’d like to bore whoever is still reading this with the tracks which left an impression. But before that and to sate those who are ravenous, eagerly yearning, salivating in fact for my conclusion, for my rating… I’ll gladly stamp this with a “Time for a Crimson Splattered Moshpit”. Onward, in no particular order) to that which left my earholes dripping in excitable liquids (just me?)

necro chaos

Necro Chaos – Infernal Flood

First off, great name. This track recalls old school melody-laden death (older Obituary and a slew of others Cult is probably more familiar with than I). Peppered with twin styled vocals, head bobbin’ evil rhythms and a strange sounding bass (?) it is certainly familiar, but different and serves as a fantastic finale to this compilation (see, I said this wasn’t in order).

Rapture – Thriving on Atrocity

Speaking of familiarity this is another track which puts me in mind of an artist whose name frustratingly escapes me. Driving thrash/death riffs and a vocal style/cadence which garners instant appreciation with added sinister elements. Admittedly it’s difficult not to ponder upon other artists in the collection when listening to this, with that in mind however this seethes with an aura of freshness, a touch of homage (think I’ve said that before now) and a style which will leave the listener wanting more.

deathwomb demo

Deathwomb – Moonless Night Sacrament

Bleak, raw and dripping in atmosphere this is black metal with a touch of melody. And there’s also backwards messages in its finale to leave fans of vintage Judas Priest salivating (that was a joke for all those taking notes). Bleak production values and throaty vocals add to this tracks appeal, but it probably isn’t for everyone, a fact I couldn’t care less about as I quite like it!

Aggressive Perfector – Turbo-Evil

I believe Cult has covered an album by these guys in the past but I’ve yet to lay ears upon their output, until now. Think heavy metal with speed metal tendencies ad to the concoction dramatic vocals and an aura which screams vintage cult horror and you might be close. But I could be continents off, best just to discover the band for yourself and make your own conclusions. This is a tad different. It grows on you much like a Goblin baby its damn ugly at first but somehow perks your mothering instinct (wait what!?) That’s not at all what I meant. Moving on…

Now, onto a few tracks which left me in exhausted disarray and Cults house in a sorry state indeed.

vectis

Vectis – No Mercy for the Weak

I must be getting old! This bears only slight smidgens of a black nature but boy does it make me wanna’ move. The rhythms here are dangerously infectious it might in fact make your torso move of its own accord (hide the fragile things lest they multiply into worthless shards). A wicked mix of thrash and black with awesome (did I just say that word? what am I a surfer now?) riffs which cannot be ignored, a tad repetitive in its lyrics but who cares this leaves a dent, and it has I’m hurting, the contact with that wall was hard!

Fabulous Desaster – Faster Than Light

To be Frank (why do I have to be ‘Frank’? Can’t I be ‘Steve’?) I’m not an Exodus fan. Sure there’s a few tracks which grab my attention but I can’t say that any full album of theirs have ever warranted purchase or even pilfering. With that in mind however their newer material is more to my liking. Strangely this sees me recalling their older output, and it’s hard not to as both the rhythms and vocals match perfectly that which most long-time Exodus fans have come to adore about the band (shit, their moniker is the same as one of the bands albums). Odd then that I’m liking this as much as I am. Its “Toxic Waltz” but different and I’m all over it! Just try not to move to this!

alcoholocaust

Alcoholocaust – Speed Metal Tornado

Yet another act Cult has covered, and there’s little argument as to why that might have been the case. This is blistering fast and the vocals wicked in tone although I believe all but a few words are in Brazilian/Portuguese it matters not. This “rips” and my neck hurts! This could well be an anthem for both the act and the Portuguese metal scene, it has that kind of undeniable vibe about it.

And that brings this to its conclusion. Weird that I’ve been drawn more towards the speed rather than the darkness within this release but there you have it. It’s been fun folks, but I’m hungry and there’s a sassy looking feline sneaking its way across the neighbor’s fence line with a smirk on her face (yes, I can tell such things even from this distance) as if to say “You can’t catch me”. Can I say that I am salivating? I’m certainly up for the challenge. Now where’s my fur removing tool?

B  

helldprod logo

Whoops – nearly forgot. Tickets can be purchased for this event at https://helldprod.com/shop/index.php?id_category=23&controller=category and range from a single day ticket to a packages including a shirt and the tape I have just spat a few words upon.

 

 

 

Scorching the Retinas – The Devils Rain

Well, hello again friends. It’s been a hot minute (at least that’s what all the cool cats are saying) but I’m back. At least for a little while, until the neighborhood fully replenishes its pet supply.

brain dead your mother ate my dog

“Your Mother ate my dog!” Cult will be proud that I’ve mentioned a Peter Jackson film in this

*Buuurrppp-!

Excuse me. Whoa – that’s a long hair! I’m betting that was a Friesian? Now, where was I? Sitting comfortably on the indents left by Cult’s ass on his couch, but apart from the obvious. I’m sat here staring at a towering stack of DVD’s. Two in fact. And it appears they might be what’s holding the TV up. It’s obvious which belongs to whom with titles like the Collected Gilmore Girls, Big Bang Season 8, PJ Masks to the rescue, Train to Busan and A Dogs Purpose. Cult has we quite the varied tastes. Naturally, I jest. He lives with a toddler and his wife it’s not hard to guess that he’s a huge fan of children’s programs. But what’s this I spy? Halfway down the stack. A classic, and on remastered Blu Ray (courtesy of Severin); The Devils Rain. This is a chunk of raunchiness I need to rediscover before I hear alarms and the house starts to awaken to find an odd-looking creature on the couch cradling a remote surrounded by various baked goods.

Sans further silliness…

The Devils Rain art.jpg

The Devils Rain (1975)
Director – Robert Guest
Writers – Gabe Essoe, James Ashton and Herald Hopman
Runtime – 86 minutes
Bryanston Distributers, Inc.

Before I start a few useless tidbits of information. Cult likes to tell people this came out on or around his birthday (when he was actually born) much like another of his favorites; Salo; 120 Days in Sodom. This film marked the first feature film starring appearance of John Travolta (one in which he doesn’t dance, sing or wax poetic on a “Royale with cheese”). The films consultor was none other than Anton Levay; the High Priest of the Church of Satan. Without further ado what say we hit play.

(courtesy of SeverinFilmsOfficial)

Tormented screams of suffering and wicked imagery by Hironimus Bosch open the feature to supply that truly unsettling feeling only a ten-hour marathon of The Golden Girls can effectively provide. The opening scene ends in a neato segway and introduces the Shatner family (yea, that’s not their name but it’s a damn sight easier to remember than Preston!) The lady is in hysterics and her companion, an old codger barely inches from falling into his own six-foot-deep final resting place, has trouble setting down her cuppa’ without spilling the while damn thing everywhere. Enter William (he’s understandably younger here) with the bad news, delivered in his typical theatrical fashion, that a storm has washed away the bridge. (Sure, Dad will be fine, but what about that helicopter the producers have? Couldn’t we borrow it?)

the devils rain full bar

This man can’t hold his liquor.

There’s a knock at the door and some fellow with a melted face mumbles something about a book before he collapses (therein lies the problem with an all-day open bar on set). The family looks on as the poor fellow spouts something about Satan (what-!) and continues his degradation into goo. But they don’t seem perturbed in the slightest at his mention of the Dark Lord only that his clothes might need a stain treatment before they hit the main cycle. Oh, and something about a “book”.

Ole Shat heads decides to head out (with a handy Luger in tow) but only at the insistence from his mother that he wear an amulet, which makes him look like a true Baller. He doesn’t get far. Turning back, he finds his mother’s companion hogtied, upside down, and his mother missing (but he was only gone two minutes, if that!)

At this point the film has a slight western feel to it, lots of lingering shots of desert vistas, rocks and cloud formations. The soundtrack is dramatic enough to send a High School drama teach running to the hills but it’s strangely effective.

the-devils-rain-borgnine-hail-satan.jpg

Hail Satan! He can kick your puny Gods ass!

Ole Shat arrives at a ghost town whereupon he encounters Ernst Borgnine and his crazy eyebrow pets. It is at the steps of an abandoned looking church that Shat and Borgnine strike a deal. “Your faith against mine”. The crazy eyebrow guy wants the book (it must be important) whereas Shat merely wants his parents back (but, why? I don’t for the life of me get this plot device).

A conflict ensues in which both argue over Shays given name. Is it Fife or Preston? It’s a battle of the ages, a battle of the amulets. But Fife/Preston has a gun and he isn’t afraid to put plentiful holes in those without eyes. And wouldn’t you know it one of them is seated in his car. He’s truly F-ed!

Jump to another scene. A Doctor Richards experiments with assorted Preston family members in order to better understand brain waves or some such nonsense.

the devils rain I can see the future

I can see the future! Sure dear whatever you say.

The scene climaxes with a scream, apparently the while brain wave experimental thing has turned Miss Preston into some form of clairvoyant. Skerritt (another Preston) receives a troubling note. “Something has happened to my family”. He leaves upon a mission, cue another Nova’s (a classic car with a V8 which drinks more liquid than an excitable youth upon their virgin discovery of soda) depletion from the car pool.

Back to Shat. He’s laid out on a table sporting sufficient weeping scars to send a pharmacist running for the ‘good stuff’ but it isn’t over. Apparently, he’s tied to a cross and the bastards aren’t satisfied with merely torturing him “Where’s the book?” They want to invert him in true black metal fashion (cue vintage Venom tunes).

the devils rain shatner on a table

Spock. Help me Spock!

Skerritt and companion arrive at the church in the middle of nowhere, but it’s too late all the cookies have been eaten. However, they did leave wax “Lookit, it’s the same as was on the porch.”

A loud bang causes out heroes to look outside. Their car is now naught but a blue metal fireball. Enter stage left a familiar vehicle but it’s headed right for them. Following a spot of cat and mouse action the pair corner the assailant. But what the F-! He has no eyes (the look is one which makes me ponder upon the Shatner mask and the Halloween films, is this from whence the influence came, I wonder if anyone has ever asked?). Is this a common theme in this film, or what? Skerritt’s companion utilizes her clairvoyant skills and witnesses a party of sorts dating back centuries in which a bunch of pilgrims fight the might of the heavens, and the townships priest, whilst arguing over themselves about the whereabouts of “The Book”. It is in this scene that the Fife/Preston curse is explained. The pair get captured, Skerritt becomes part of a black robed parade (isn’t that a Chemical Romance track?) And his companion falls prey to the same trick utilized in the original Children of the Corn, the ol’ bad guy popping up in the back seat of a moving car trick.

the deviuls rain borgnine as satan

Boo-!

Borgnine transforms into a goat character, is he Satan? (we may never know) with a wicked set of gnarly horns but Skerritt manages to escape the ritualistic scenario and returns home but not before running through one poor fellow with a pitchfork and tossing another, also chasing him, from a flight of stairs.

He manages to find his good Doctor friend and convinces him to join him in his endeavors (I’m sure a case of beer helped sway the decision). Following the script, he returns to the ghost town church and makes an interesting discovery. Apparently, you can store souls in a contraption that looks like a portable television set with a handle which has an ominously appearance, much like Devils horns. As luck would have it the eyeless rabble are still in need of supplementary worship. They return, Skerritt does what he does best (other than sport a great looking ‘tach) and for some reason the church suddenly loses part of its roof. A hole in which the storm finds its way and then the movie ends. Nope, I didn’t forget the best part.

the devils rain gif

A whole ten minutes of bubbling, oozing, flesh melting action which makes Rick Baker’s The Incredible Melting Man seem pale in comparison, although the effects aren’t quite on the same level they are effective. Most of the ‘melting’ takes place in the rain (not even the finest brolly will save you from The Devils Rain). Did I mention when the acolytes get shot, they don’t bleed, they ooze with something akin to a thick “Slurpy” orange liquid, which is often green. One could even call it a diabolical rainbow. Add to this a place of worship immolation which will make most Kvlt black metal fans salivate in appreciation and you have a film which lives up to its Drive-In cult status. Did I mention the ending is kinda silly, it’s one final twist (and the only part I won’t ruin and narrate ‘play by play’)?

the devils rain lobby card

A lobby card in typical 70’s raunchy fashion 

So, was this any good? It was entertaining, I’ll give it that. The soundtrack was top notch, if a little over dramatic, but it did its job and added to the scenes which demanded a little extra, it even adding to several which didn’t. The cast list reads surprisingly well which leaves me pondering on whether this was a ‘regretted role’ by any involved. Don’t get me wrong, this is hardly a bad film it’s just not run of the mill, in any regard. Sure, there’s a slew of religious persecution flicks from around the same era, even a few which are more risqué (the XXX/horror scene was taking off in a big way at the time, or so I’ve heard) some (Mark of the Devil, 1970, and its sequel, 1973, come to mind) which linger on images depicting methods of torture to make one admit to being in league with Satan (two nods to Venom in one review. I’m getting good at this!) but none, to my knowledge, which sport the same tone as this. Although, thinking upon it, Race with the Devil released in the same year and more recently Drive Angry (starring Nick Cage) come close. The Devils Rain also has surprising atmosphere and is drenched in palpable menace (these acolytes have a unmerciful zombie vibe though they really don’t seem to do much once they capture you other than bind) not to mention that the films climax is unflinching, undeniably over the top though highly effective in getting the point across that one should be weary on whom they wish to worship, as there might be consequences. I find it odd that I’ve witnessed a truckload of other films bearing an R rating when this has a PG (rating) and includes definitely more sinister values and more than enough melting action on offer.

the devils rain borgnine melting

Screw you Dorothy!

No matter how one slices it, this warrants a view. It’s not half as horrid as many others bearing similar ‘cult’ status (it delivers on its promises) it’s not going to win any awards (actually it did, well one of the actresses in it did) but it is watchable and entertaining. Did I mention people melt? Kinda puts a whole new spin on the term ‘Cuban for a cannibal’, right? Probably not, but it’s a damn sight better than a Dad joke.

devils rain misfit records vinyl

I hear the alarms chirping.

I’m outta here, I gotta scramble. Until next we meet.

-B

Whoops, nearly forgot there was a Misfits album released in 2011 with much the same title and some truly stunning art accompanying its vinyl format. I’ll leave it here.

 

Scorching the Retinas – Another Jackie Chan film

kung fu cinema

 

Well, howdy. B here again. It’s been a minute (actually a whole bunch longer but that seems to be a popular expression in these parts). One might notice that my additions have been sporadic as of late. My apologies, I’ve been wondering and have found the neighborhood to be bursting with delicious pets. Honestly this is an activity I’d never thought I’d partake in but after an adventurous Bison (a dog not the cantankerous horned animal similar to the buffalo native to the plains) decided to relieve him/herself against my temporary residences front entryway  (leaving a horrendous stank in the process) I found that I couldn’t resist.

bison dog

now imagine this cute lil’ bugga’ working its way down the gullet

Naturally, it wasn’t as if I jumped in full board. Nope. It was gradual. Initially a transfixing glare, which then transformed into a low growl. This didn’t amount too much to be honest. The poor mutt didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. And his/her resulting downfall was a result of the poor bastards overriding curiosity. I must smell good, though I doubt it, I most definitely don’t have much else going for me other than my questionable appearance; that of a malformed gargoyle fashioned from patchwork flesh rather than stone. Regardless, its hypnotic state climaxed in my jaw sliding its way around its furry little torso. A yelp, a smidgen of BBQ sauce later, a slice of tomato, a little lettuce, a spot of bread (Cult is spoilt. I believe his wife would prefer him plump) and my appetite was quenched if only until another quadruped found its way betwix my mandible.

Too much information? Probably. But I felt the most recent addition to my penchant list was deserved of sharing. Apparently, millions of Eastern denizens aren’t wrong, but keep the floss equipment handy, that fur is a bitch!

Now, where was I?

jackie chan film collection

Ah, yes. Cult has been busy lately, his brats have been in town and between what he deems his ‘pirate creating activities’ (his job, it’s all rather enigmatic unless you know him and what he chooses to do to pay those pesky bills) and family duties his digits haven’t touched the keyboard in appreciation of that which would normally grace his senses on a normal weeks basis. Poor bugga’. However, during this time I did spy him watch a few movies with his offspring whilst gorging on an astonishing amount of fizzy beverages and sugary delectables.

I’ve provided relevant details, below, for one of the films, for those into such things (details and wot not). And, lucky you, I’ve decided to write a little something about it.

Kung-Fu Yoga (2017)
China

kung fu yoga

Written and Directed by Stanley Tong
Runtime – 107 minutes
Taihe Entertainment
Shiner Pictures

Jackie Chan is the star here, though as always unselfishly shares the spotlight, and for those who think he’s lost any of his former flair, speed, ability and flexibility you are sorely mistaken. Obviously, this isn’t as outlandish as either entry in the “Armor of God” (or for that matter “Project A”) series though it does run amok with stunts, limb flailing and Indiana Jones homage elements. From what I could make out Jackie is a historian (he even uses his real name) and with the help of a few friends (some he hasn’t spoken to in a while) he embarks upon a quest to unearth an Indian treasure site thought to be the stuff of legends. Along the way he encounters greed, a plethora of foes with supposed family ties to the treasure in question and enough tomfoolery to confuse a clown.

kung fu yoga gif 2.gif

The story is easy enough to follow and showcases a slew of extravagant locations whilst including history regarding (centuries) past relationships between China and India. The film’s opening is not what one might expect, bathed in CGI brilliance this is the stuff of console games. Albeit online affairs of the RPG type including, but in no way limited to, armored elephants, heroes, a landscape bursting in conflict and dizzying acrobatic agility. (What does the X do again? And what happens when I hit X,Y and the triangle button in rapid succession?)

(The films opening CGI scene courtesy of Kurnia HD)

The beginning serves as an introduction to the treasure itself but also successfully drags the viewer in with its vivid, larger than life, nature and stark visuals. I’m left wondering whether those responsible went this route due to possible PETA complaint (resulting from the obvious) or the fact that elephants of this size are hard to train, let alone find. I would imagine most are squirreled away someplace taking selfies, auditioning for the live action adaption of Peter Jackson’s classic “Meet the Feebles”, skateboarding or taking part in something else equally as outlandish/improbable.

kung fu yoga gif

Kung-Fu Yoga itself is nothing but utterly watchable, the action is fast and furious though strays from the type of brutality exemplified in “The Raid” and “The Night Comes for Us” making it a feature the whole family can enjoy, if they be so inclined. The humor element works well both in dialogue and in the action scenes. Obviously, all one has to do is look at the DVD’s cover artwork (featuring Jackie and a Lion in an SUV) to see that it comfortably fits the Jackie Chan cinematic output mold (although he has made more than his fair share of dramas) and the film is sufficient to make most but the truly jaded and insufferable smirk during its duration.

The love interest element is playful rather than intense keeping this on a ‘family film’ platform. Seriously what’s more annoying than watching a film with a child only to have them ask “(include parental suffix here) why’s that guy putting his piss stick in her mouth?”

kung fu yoga lion

Several scenes warrant mentioning but based on the fact that I’m a lazy bastid’ I will only mention that which graces the films artwork. There’s a large cat, for some reason it’s in the back of an SUV (this scene was shot in Saudi Arabia if that’s reason enough) which Jackie is using to chase another who has recently stolen that which is the focal point of this film’s narrative. As one might imagine the cat gets frustrated and Jackie as well as trying to navigate the busy streets (of whenever this was filmed. Dubai?) he has to contend with the animal’s discontent and the fact that he/she could at any moment cleave him in twain. It’s an amusing scene and shows Jackie in top form without him once resorting to kicks, blocks or somersaults.

(courtesy of Hollywood dubbed movies)

Other animal moments include an escape from a pack of caged hungry hyenas (PETA might have a problem with this one, although I doubt the kicking animal antics were real). Another scene (which bears mentioning) is the films finale. Sans ruining the climax I’ll note a similarity to a recent “Mr. Bean” film in which the same sort of thing transpired, although in another style completely. It doesn’t ruin the film, as at this point you could hit stop and still ‘get the point’. And it successfully manages to tie the film into both Chinese and Indian cultures though is a scene (which tends to drag) one will either want to watch in its entirety or not.

(I’ve even included a trailer courtesy of UMP Movie Guide)

There you have it, I’ve managed to gloss over one of the most popular, highest grossing, Jackie Chan films in recent years whilst adding my own flair, vulgarity, silliness and more than a fair share of gifs and YouTube clips to whet the senses. And you probably didn’t learn a single thing, I didn’t mention any of the other actors, although I probably should have, the soundtrack and/or numerous other things Cult would have. I had fun, that’s how I roll. But now I have to be gone. I can smell my next meal and before I even start to think about munching upon it I need to find the flossers. That fur is a bitch, but I believe I’ve mentioned that before.

-B