Archive for the ‘Guest Post – B’ Category

Scorching the Retinas – Tackling the Wrong Turn Franchise

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)
wrong turn 2 cover art
Writers – Turi Meyer, Alfredo Septien, Alan B McElroy
Director – Joe Lynch
Runtime – 97 minutes
20th Century Fox, Summit Entertainment, Constantin Film Production

Sure, why not start in the middle rather than at the beginning? Well, I did and here I am. Cult is away again, probably sleeping already. He’s on vacation and he’s stuck with his young un’ at home, and let me tell you, she’s a spirited one. If she ain’t singing “Let it Go” or “Into the Unknown” she’s storming around like a Princess, with an attitude to fit. But getting back on track; I’ve got the reins now with snippets of that Slayer Comp still ragin’ through my ears.
So what say we get started.

(trailer courtesy of Movie Clips Classic Trailers)

“Wrong Turn 2” was made back in 2007 and it doesn’t take long to realize this. Cell phones are flip things, and earpieces are akin to those unsightly slabs of metal worn on “Star Trek” (the early series with good old Shat not the newer ones).

wrong turn 2 opening kill

Breast or Thigh? …It doesn’t matter!

Anyhows,  this chick, in the opening scene, is belligerent, screaming at her agent about one thing or another then she plows this poor chap down.  and wouldn’t you know it the poor bugga’ scratched up her Stang. Now rather than being somewhat pissed, who wouldn’t he scratched up the Stang’, she’s unsure, hysterical. However, this doesn’t last long. Some logger type looking chap makes his way outta the woods and cuts her in Twain. Downwards (“Terrifier” style), not across and this movie is off to a great start with perhaps one of the finest kill scenes to open up a movie ever. And my popcorn has suddenly found itself with extra butter (or a liquid which looks strangely close).

Wrong turn 2 Henry Rollins

End scene. Enter Mr. Black Flag, Henry (motherfkn’) Rollins, and an introduction to a reality game show of sorts with six contestants (five now, or seven. All depending on how one looks at it) and a theme centered around the Apocalypse (at this point we should all be taking notes and making time to rewatch the “Mad Max” franchise). Naturally, all of the contestants are young, nubile, hot to trot and bursting with enthusiasm.
A quick look behind the scenes shows the competition heating up and a producer wearing a “Battle Royal” shirt which is rather fitting (if you haven’t seen it, drop whatcha’ doing and prepare to forget Hollywood’s take on it; which is often referred to as “The Hunger Games” franchise).

wrong turn 2 i wanna play

Peek a boo!

The games begin, the rules are explained and it’s clear from the get-go who’s present for the money and who for the prestige of competing. Mr. Rollins does a great job of emulating the drill Sergeant from “The Frighteners” and “Full Metal Jacket” (R. Lee Ermey) and there’s another stand out scene in the books. But it ain’t all fun and games. There’s something uninvited in the woods which wants to join in but with rules of it’s own choosing.

“Holy shit, the whole family’s deformed” about describes the way the remainder of the movie goes. Powered by “The Hills Have Eyes” and general Slasher movie mayhem on bathsalts the kills come fast and furious, unflinching, just like Daddy likes them and uncompromising to boot. Seriously folks, this has more guts in its first half than most reputable Cult Cannibal flicks and a shotgun which would put many cannons to shame.

wrong turn 2 Boom

BOOM!

The pace here is remarkable, fluid and feverish throughout, enough to spike anyone’s adrenaline and the characters varied enough to bring forth opinions ranging from instant I don’t care if you perish hatred to I wish you’re the one who survives to repopulate the world adoration. The acting isn’t horrid enough to deter from the story, which is somewhat minimal, but it matters not when the screen is drenched in this much grue.
The finale looms, there’s enough blood and body parts scattered to give Dahmer a boner and the cast is significantly smaller in size, but more widespread,(that’s a pun), than when the movie commenced. But the action remains slick and sticky (nope, this isn’t another filling every available orifice extravaganza flick) two teams face off and…
Well that’s where I’m going to leave my blow-by-blow (enough of the double entendres already) commentary.

wrong turn 2 lunch

This is strange. I can see my spleen.

To cut this short, for it’s about my bedtime, Joe Lynch has far surpassed himself here. A homage to a wide swath of slasher flicks doused with a generous dollop of dark humor and enough glorious FX to sate the most depraved of penchants I’m pleased to state that this brings to the table more crimson goodies than any “Friday the 13th” flick and an overall viewing experience I would somewhat liken to (one of Cults favorites) “Dead Alive”.

chillerama

“Wrong Turn 2” is frenetic, unflinching, graphic, splattered with antagonists which appear immortal (though most certainly don’t live like it) and dotted with characters one wants to root for. The effects are abundant, grisly and executed with attention to detail (that explosion. Wow!) The directing is top notch, again huge props to the mind behind one of the sickest segments within “Chillerama”, and there’s seriously not a complaint here. Boobs, blood, guts, an inbred fellow who looks like he was plucked from a John Hughes film, tons of pitch humor and a final scene which puts Tobe Hoopers “The Mangler” to shame. This is my kind of film. Did I mention Henry Rollins is in this? I did, well shit I’ll say it again, cus’ he deserves another mention. Go get em’ Rambo (whoops!)
Do whatever you have to be able to set the eyes upon this. I much prefer this over any of the “Friday the 13th” films. Don’t @ me, I don’t care. I don’t have any allegiances, I like whatever puts a stoopid grin on my face. And now I’ve said my part. I’m out!
Shit. I Nearly forgot, Cult likes ‘ratings’ now. If it needs one, fuk, I guess a 9.5 will suffice.

The wrong turn collection

Here’s hoping I get the chance to lay words on the others in the franchise. If they’re anything like this I’m happy to oblige. Naturally I’ve plucked the wrong image from the internet to show the others in the series. This one shows the regular (British) versions, I’ll be diving into the uncut versions whenever I can find them, and the time, and access to Cult’s keyboard in order that I can diarrhea my thoughts all lover his site. Until then.

Abrasive Audio – Attack of the Compilation

Attack of the Compilation – Extreme Metal Attack XVII

exterem metal fest #2

Well, here I am again. It’s been a while. Admittedly I’ve been busy spreading chaos, strife and depravity across that which many call “The Heartlands”. But seriously, I’m having a grand ole time there’s no shortage of four-legged furry things to curb my appetite and the attitudes and people in this area put most Wal-mart parody websites to shame. My adventures have not been without strife however. The weather can put a damper on many things though from what I’ve heard this winter has been comparatively mild compared to ones before. But it doesn’t matter, there’s snow and I’m not used to the stuff. Seriously what the fuck is it anyway? And why does it have to impede upon all my fun? On the bright side there’s plenty to see following its aftermath. Comical scenes including sportscars and spinning wheels. Multi vehicle Pileups on that which most drive across at insane speeds. Highways, Interstates I’m confused. I’ll avoid traversing them at all costs. Though they do provide quite the entertainment.

syncronized headbangin

Not quite what my former duties entailed but I wish they would in the future

Now, where was I? Cult’s house, yes, I’m here! And surprise, surprise, his email is delivering quite the feast for the eyes and ears. Tons of promos to sift through. I’d say this fellow is drowning in promotional materials, but what do I know I’m merely a former denizen of the Underworld enjoying a prolonged vacation until the ether opens up and I’m yanked back to my former duties.

 

Now this, this is interesting indeed, and brings back a few memories of when my mishapen digits alighted upon Cults keyboard for the first time (actually the first time was when I pondered upon a single by Bewitcher. But who’s being counting?) What say we take another audio foray into a compilation which promotes yet another Extreme Metal Fest taking part in Portugal? This isn’t a question, and I don’t wish for your opinion. For I’m taking the plunge…

Extreme Metal Attack XVII

https://helldprod.bandcamp.com/album/extreme-metal-attack-xvii-2020

HelldProd Records

March/20/2020

etreme metalfest die hard pack

(The event itself is scheduled for March 20/21 (2020) in Metalpoint Porto and promises a grand time for all those wishing to bathe themselves in a festival atmosphere with like-minded individuals driven by the glory of underground metal)

And for those wishing to know the bands involved in both the fest and this compilation I’m happy to oblige (and they’re actually in order of appearance on the tape, for nothing screams Kvlt like a cassette, for those interested)

Ungod – Down to Tartaros

Alcoholocaut – Speed Metal Tornado

Supremative – Omnipresent Morbid Excitement

Rapture – Thriving on Atrocity

Fabulous Desaster – Faster Than Light

Deathwomb – Moonless Night Sacraments

Aggressive Perfector – Turbo-Evil

Vectis – No Mercy for the Weak

Necro Chaos – Infernal Flood

Now if this promises to be anything like the last ‘Extreme Fest’ outing the fleshy audio catchers are in for an old school party drenched in darkness, speed and evil.

Naturally I’ve devised a ratings system, which has a tad more flavor than that which Cult employs, for this very purpose (why do I sound like the bloke from Taken?) and here it is in all of its depraved glory;

confued Orc

Wait. I’m still confused

Abysmal.

Not in the good way. Toss this in the ocean and punch the nearest passerby to let out the frustration of spending money on schiite such as this. Jesus might like this. But I still believe it has the potential to do naught but line the birds cage. Jesus loves everything, which in my opinion is rather silly. Jesus you’re a prat!

Hrrrrrhhhhh-!

Better, this shows potential. Much like, I’d imagine, your mother on a first date. But it still leaves me wanting. And she needs more training; those French fries weren’t free dammit!

The Goblin are going crazy!

Admittedly the annoying green bastid’ like most things and get excited at the drop of a turd but occasionally they have a suggestion which turns heads. And if the whole collective, much like an obnoxious stench-ridden green tide, agrees there must be something worth giving, at least, a cursory glance towards.

Time for a Crimson Splattered Moshpit!

Now this is worth sharing, break out the goblets, the fiery liquid, the unwilling, let’s break some limbs and party till the Dark Lord yells at us to get back to work!

All Mine!

I’m a selfish bastid’. And this is too fkn’ good to share, it’s all mine. Just try to take it!!

Well there it is and I still have the compilation playing betwix my mishappen ears as I’m typing this (correcting a varied assortment of typos as I go) so it seriously can’t be all that bad. Unlike last year’s compilation this provides more a smorgasbord (I like this word I’ll have to use it more often!) of styles. Ranging from old school bleak cavernous drenched in evil black metal to more a heavy metal approach with “singy” vocals (as if plucked from the eighties) and a plethora of speed laden head bangin’ tracks between. There’s honesty plenty here to delight. However, I have my favorites and I’d like to bore whoever is still reading this with the tracks which left an impression. But before that and to sate those who are ravenous, eagerly yearning, salivating in fact for my conclusion, for my rating… I’ll gladly stamp this with a “Time for a Crimson Splattered Moshpit”. Onward, in no particular order) to that which left my earholes dripping in excitable liquids (just me?)

necro chaos

Necro Chaos – Infernal Flood

First off, great name. This track recalls old school melody-laden death (older Obituary and a slew of others Cult is probably more familiar with than I). Peppered with twin styled vocals, head bobbin’ evil rhythms and a strange sounding bass (?) it is certainly familiar, but different and serves as a fantastic finale to this compilation (see, I said this wasn’t in order).

Rapture – Thriving on Atrocity

Speaking of familiarity this is another track which puts me in mind of an artist whose name frustratingly escapes me. Driving thrash/death riffs and a vocal style/cadence which garners instant appreciation with added sinister elements. Admittedly it’s difficult not to ponder upon other artists in the collection when listening to this, with that in mind however this seethes with an aura of freshness, a touch of homage (think I’ve said that before now) and a style which will leave the listener wanting more.

deathwomb demo

Deathwomb – Moonless Night Sacrament

Bleak, raw and dripping in atmosphere this is black metal with a touch of melody. And there’s also backwards messages in its finale to leave fans of vintage Judas Priest salivating (that was a joke for all those taking notes). Bleak production values and throaty vocals add to this tracks appeal, but it probably isn’t for everyone, a fact I couldn’t care less about as I quite like it!

Aggressive Perfector – Turbo-Evil

I believe Cult has covered an album by these guys in the past but I’ve yet to lay ears upon their output, until now. Think heavy metal with speed metal tendencies ad to the concoction dramatic vocals and an aura which screams vintage cult horror and you might be close. But I could be continents off, best just to discover the band for yourself and make your own conclusions. This is a tad different. It grows on you much like a Goblin baby its damn ugly at first but somehow perks your mothering instinct (wait what!?) That’s not at all what I meant. Moving on…

Now, onto a few tracks which left me in exhausted disarray and Cults house in a sorry state indeed.

vectis

Vectis – No Mercy for the Weak

I must be getting old! This bears only slight smidgens of a black nature but boy does it make me wanna’ move. The rhythms here are dangerously infectious it might in fact make your torso move of its own accord (hide the fragile things lest they multiply into worthless shards). A wicked mix of thrash and black with awesome (did I just say that word? what am I a surfer now?) riffs which cannot be ignored, a tad repetitive in its lyrics but who cares this leaves a dent, and it has I’m hurting, the contact with that wall was hard!

Fabulous Desaster – Faster Than Light

To be Frank (why do I have to be ‘Frank’? Can’t I be ‘Steve’?) I’m not an Exodus fan. Sure there’s a few tracks which grab my attention but I can’t say that any full album of theirs have ever warranted purchase or even pilfering. With that in mind however their newer material is more to my liking. Strangely this sees me recalling their older output, and it’s hard not to as both the rhythms and vocals match perfectly that which most long-time Exodus fans have come to adore about the band (shit, their moniker is the same as one of the bands albums). Odd then that I’m liking this as much as I am. Its “Toxic Waltz” but different and I’m all over it! Just try not to move to this!

alcoholocaust

Alcoholocaust – Speed Metal Tornado

Yet another act Cult has covered, and there’s little argument as to why that might have been the case. This is blistering fast and the vocals wicked in tone although I believe all but a few words are in Brazilian/Portuguese it matters not. This “rips” and my neck hurts! This could well be an anthem for both the act and the Portuguese metal scene, it has that kind of undeniable vibe about it.

And that brings this to its conclusion. Weird that I’ve been drawn more towards the speed rather than the darkness within this release but there you have it. It’s been fun folks, but I’m hungry and there’s a sassy looking feline sneaking its way across the neighbor’s fence line with a smirk on her face (yes, I can tell such things even from this distance) as if to say “You can’t catch me”. Can I say that I am salivating? I’m certainly up for the challenge. Now where’s my fur removing tool?

B  

helldprod logo

Whoops – nearly forgot. Tickets can be purchased for this event at https://helldprod.com/shop/index.php?id_category=23&controller=category and range from a single day ticket to a packages including a shirt and the tape I have just spat a few words upon.

 

 

 

Scorching the Retinas – The Devils Rain

Well, hello again friends. It’s been a hot minute (at least that’s what all the cool cats are saying) but I’m back. At least for a little while, until the neighborhood fully replenishes its pet supply.

brain dead your mother ate my dog

“Your Mother ate my dog!” Cult will be proud that I’ve mentioned a Peter Jackson film in this

*Buuurrppp-!

Excuse me. Whoa – that’s a long hair! I’m betting that was a Friesian? Now, where was I? Sitting comfortably on the indents left by Cult’s ass on his couch, but apart from the obvious. I’m sat here staring at a towering stack of DVD’s. Two in fact. And it appears they might be what’s holding the TV up. It’s obvious which belongs to whom with titles like the Collected Gilmore Girls, Big Bang Season 8, PJ Masks to the rescue, Train to Busan and A Dogs Purpose. Cult has we quite the varied tastes. Naturally, I jest. He lives with a toddler and his wife it’s not hard to guess that he’s a huge fan of children’s programs. But what’s this I spy? Halfway down the stack. A classic, and on remastered Blu Ray (courtesy of Severin); The Devils Rain. This is a chunk of raunchiness I need to rediscover before I hear alarms and the house starts to awaken to find an odd-looking creature on the couch cradling a remote surrounded by various baked goods.

Sans further silliness…

The Devils Rain art.jpg

The Devils Rain (1975)
Director – Robert Guest
Writers – Gabe Essoe, James Ashton and Herald Hopman
Runtime – 86 minutes
Bryanston Distributers, Inc.

Before I start a few useless tidbits of information. Cult likes to tell people this came out on or around his birthday (when he was actually born) much like another of his favorites; Salo; 120 Days in Sodom. This film marked the first feature film starring appearance of John Travolta (one in which he doesn’t dance, sing or wax poetic on a “Royale with cheese”). The films consultor was none other than Anton Levay; the High Priest of the Church of Satan. Without further ado what say we hit play.

(courtesy of SeverinFilmsOfficial)

Tormented screams of suffering and wicked imagery by Hironimus Bosch open the feature to supply that truly unsettling feeling only a ten-hour marathon of The Golden Girls can effectively provide. The opening scene ends in a neato segway and introduces the Shatner family (yea, that’s not their name but it’s a damn sight easier to remember than Preston!) The lady is in hysterics and her companion, an old codger barely inches from falling into his own six-foot-deep final resting place, has trouble setting down her cuppa’ without spilling the while damn thing everywhere. Enter William (he’s understandably younger here) with the bad news, delivered in his typical theatrical fashion, that a storm has washed away the bridge. (Sure, Dad will be fine, but what about that helicopter the producers have? Couldn’t we borrow it?)

the devils rain full bar

This man can’t hold his liquor.

There’s a knock at the door and some fellow with a melted face mumbles something about a book before he collapses (therein lies the problem with an all-day open bar on set). The family looks on as the poor fellow spouts something about Satan (what-!) and continues his degradation into goo. But they don’t seem perturbed in the slightest at his mention of the Dark Lord only that his clothes might need a stain treatment before they hit the main cycle. Oh, and something about a “book”.

Ole Shat heads decides to head out (with a handy Luger in tow) but only at the insistence from his mother that he wear an amulet, which makes him look like a true Baller. He doesn’t get far. Turning back, he finds his mother’s companion hogtied, upside down, and his mother missing (but he was only gone two minutes, if that!)

At this point the film has a slight western feel to it, lots of lingering shots of desert vistas, rocks and cloud formations. The soundtrack is dramatic enough to send a High School drama teach running to the hills but it’s strangely effective.

the-devils-rain-borgnine-hail-satan.jpg

Hail Satan! He can kick your puny Gods ass!

Ole Shat arrives at a ghost town whereupon he encounters Ernst Borgnine and his crazy eyebrow pets. It is at the steps of an abandoned looking church that Shat and Borgnine strike a deal. “Your faith against mine”. The crazy eyebrow guy wants the book (it must be important) whereas Shat merely wants his parents back (but, why? I don’t for the life of me get this plot device).

A conflict ensues in which both argue over Shays given name. Is it Fife or Preston? It’s a battle of the ages, a battle of the amulets. But Fife/Preston has a gun and he isn’t afraid to put plentiful holes in those without eyes. And wouldn’t you know it one of them is seated in his car. He’s truly F-ed!

Jump to another scene. A Doctor Richards experiments with assorted Preston family members in order to better understand brain waves or some such nonsense.

the devils rain I can see the future

I can see the future! Sure dear whatever you say.

The scene climaxes with a scream, apparently the while brain wave experimental thing has turned Miss Preston into some form of clairvoyant. Skerritt (another Preston) receives a troubling note. “Something has happened to my family”. He leaves upon a mission, cue another Nova’s (a classic car with a V8 which drinks more liquid than an excitable youth upon their virgin discovery of soda) depletion from the car pool.

Back to Shat. He’s laid out on a table sporting sufficient weeping scars to send a pharmacist running for the ‘good stuff’ but it isn’t over. Apparently, he’s tied to a cross and the bastards aren’t satisfied with merely torturing him “Where’s the book?” They want to invert him in true black metal fashion (cue vintage Venom tunes).

the devils rain shatner on a table

Spock. Help me Spock!

Skerritt and companion arrive at the church in the middle of nowhere, but it’s too late all the cookies have been eaten. However, they did leave wax “Lookit, it’s the same as was on the porch.”

A loud bang causes out heroes to look outside. Their car is now naught but a blue metal fireball. Enter stage left a familiar vehicle but it’s headed right for them. Following a spot of cat and mouse action the pair corner the assailant. But what the F-! He has no eyes (the look is one which makes me ponder upon the Shatner mask and the Halloween films, is this from whence the influence came, I wonder if anyone has ever asked?). Is this a common theme in this film, or what? Skerritt’s companion utilizes her clairvoyant skills and witnesses a party of sorts dating back centuries in which a bunch of pilgrims fight the might of the heavens, and the townships priest, whilst arguing over themselves about the whereabouts of “The Book”. It is in this scene that the Fife/Preston curse is explained. The pair get captured, Skerritt becomes part of a black robed parade (isn’t that a Chemical Romance track?) And his companion falls prey to the same trick utilized in the original Children of the Corn, the ol’ bad guy popping up in the back seat of a moving car trick.

the deviuls rain borgnine as satan

Boo-!

Borgnine transforms into a goat character, is he Satan? (we may never know) with a wicked set of gnarly horns but Skerritt manages to escape the ritualistic scenario and returns home but not before running through one poor fellow with a pitchfork and tossing another, also chasing him, from a flight of stairs.

He manages to find his good Doctor friend and convinces him to join him in his endeavors (I’m sure a case of beer helped sway the decision). Following the script, he returns to the ghost town church and makes an interesting discovery. Apparently, you can store souls in a contraption that looks like a portable television set with a handle which has an ominously appearance, much like Devils horns. As luck would have it the eyeless rabble are still in need of supplementary worship. They return, Skerritt does what he does best (other than sport a great looking ‘tach) and for some reason the church suddenly loses part of its roof. A hole in which the storm finds its way and then the movie ends. Nope, I didn’t forget the best part.

the devils rain gif

A whole ten minutes of bubbling, oozing, flesh melting action which makes Rick Baker’s The Incredible Melting Man seem pale in comparison, although the effects aren’t quite on the same level they are effective. Most of the ‘melting’ takes place in the rain (not even the finest brolly will save you from The Devils Rain). Did I mention when the acolytes get shot, they don’t bleed, they ooze with something akin to a thick “Slurpy” orange liquid, which is often green. One could even call it a diabolical rainbow. Add to this a place of worship immolation which will make most Kvlt black metal fans salivate in appreciation and you have a film which lives up to its Drive-In cult status. Did I mention the ending is kinda silly, it’s one final twist (and the only part I won’t ruin and narrate ‘play by play’)?

the devils rain lobby card

A lobby card in typical 70’s raunchy fashion 

So, was this any good? It was entertaining, I’ll give it that. The soundtrack was top notch, if a little over dramatic, but it did its job and added to the scenes which demanded a little extra, it even adding to several which didn’t. The cast list reads surprisingly well which leaves me pondering on whether this was a ‘regretted role’ by any involved. Don’t get me wrong, this is hardly a bad film it’s just not run of the mill, in any regard. Sure, there’s a slew of religious persecution flicks from around the same era, even a few which are more risqué (the XXX/horror scene was taking off in a big way at the time, or so I’ve heard) some (Mark of the Devil, 1970, and its sequel, 1973, come to mind) which linger on images depicting methods of torture to make one admit to being in league with Satan (two nods to Venom in one review. I’m getting good at this!) but none, to my knowledge, which sport the same tone as this. Although, thinking upon it, Race with the Devil released in the same year and more recently Drive Angry (starring Nick Cage) come close. The Devils Rain also has surprising atmosphere and is drenched in palpable menace (these acolytes have a unmerciful zombie vibe though they really don’t seem to do much once they capture you other than bind) not to mention that the films climax is unflinching, undeniably over the top though highly effective in getting the point across that one should be weary on whom they wish to worship, as there might be consequences. I find it odd that I’ve witnessed a truckload of other films bearing an R rating when this has a PG (rating) and includes definitely more sinister values and more than enough melting action on offer.

the devils rain borgnine melting

Screw you Dorothy!

No matter how one slices it, this warrants a view. It’s not half as horrid as many others bearing similar ‘cult’ status (it delivers on its promises) it’s not going to win any awards (actually it did, well one of the actresses in it did) but it is watchable and entertaining. Did I mention people melt? Kinda puts a whole new spin on the term ‘Cuban for a cannibal’, right? Probably not, but it’s a damn sight better than a Dad joke.

devils rain misfit records vinyl

I hear the alarms chirping.

I’m outta here, I gotta scramble. Until next we meet.

-B

Whoops, nearly forgot there was a Misfits album released in 2011 with much the same title and some truly stunning art accompanying its vinyl format. I’ll leave it here.

 

Scorching the Retinas – Another Jackie Chan film

kung fu cinema

 

Well, howdy. B here again. It’s been a minute (actually a whole bunch longer but that seems to be a popular expression in these parts). One might notice that my additions have been sporadic as of late. My apologies, I’ve been wondering and have found the neighborhood to be bursting with delicious pets. Honestly this is an activity I’d never thought I’d partake in but after an adventurous Bison (a dog not the cantankerous horned animal similar to the buffalo native to the plains) decided to relieve him/herself against my temporary residences front entryway  (leaving a horrendous stank in the process) I found that I couldn’t resist.

bison dog

now imagine this cute lil’ bugga’ working its way down the gullet

Naturally, it wasn’t as if I jumped in full board. Nope. It was gradual. Initially a transfixing glare, which then transformed into a low growl. This didn’t amount too much to be honest. The poor mutt didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. And his/her resulting downfall was a result of the poor bastards overriding curiosity. I must smell good, though I doubt it, I most definitely don’t have much else going for me other than my questionable appearance; that of a malformed gargoyle fashioned from patchwork flesh rather than stone. Regardless, its hypnotic state climaxed in my jaw sliding its way around its furry little torso. A yelp, a smidgen of BBQ sauce later, a slice of tomato, a little lettuce, a spot of bread (Cult is spoilt. I believe his wife would prefer him plump) and my appetite was quenched if only until another quadruped found its way betwix my mandible.

Too much information? Probably. But I felt the most recent addition to my penchant list was deserved of sharing. Apparently, millions of Eastern denizens aren’t wrong, but keep the floss equipment handy, that fur is a bitch!

Now, where was I?

jackie chan film collection

Ah, yes. Cult has been busy lately, his brats have been in town and between what he deems his ‘pirate creating activities’ (his job, it’s all rather enigmatic unless you know him and what he chooses to do to pay those pesky bills) and family duties his digits haven’t touched the keyboard in appreciation of that which would normally grace his senses on a normal weeks basis. Poor bugga’. However, during this time I did spy him watch a few movies with his offspring whilst gorging on an astonishing amount of fizzy beverages and sugary delectables.

I’ve provided relevant details, below, for one of the films, for those into such things (details and wot not). And, lucky you, I’ve decided to write a little something about it.

Kung-Fu Yoga (2017)
China

kung fu yoga

Written and Directed by Stanley Tong
Runtime – 107 minutes
Taihe Entertainment
Shiner Pictures

Jackie Chan is the star here, though as always unselfishly shares the spotlight, and for those who think he’s lost any of his former flair, speed, ability and flexibility you are sorely mistaken. Obviously, this isn’t as outlandish as either entry in the “Armor of God” (or for that matter “Project A”) series though it does run amok with stunts, limb flailing and Indiana Jones homage elements. From what I could make out Jackie is a historian (he even uses his real name) and with the help of a few friends (some he hasn’t spoken to in a while) he embarks upon a quest to unearth an Indian treasure site thought to be the stuff of legends. Along the way he encounters greed, a plethora of foes with supposed family ties to the treasure in question and enough tomfoolery to confuse a clown.

kung fu yoga gif 2.gif

The story is easy enough to follow and showcases a slew of extravagant locations whilst including history regarding (centuries) past relationships between China and India. The film’s opening is not what one might expect, bathed in CGI brilliance this is the stuff of console games. Albeit online affairs of the RPG type including, but in no way limited to, armored elephants, heroes, a landscape bursting in conflict and dizzying acrobatic agility. (What does the X do again? And what happens when I hit X,Y and the triangle button in rapid succession?)

(The films opening CGI scene courtesy of Kurnia HD)

The beginning serves as an introduction to the treasure itself but also successfully drags the viewer in with its vivid, larger than life, nature and stark visuals. I’m left wondering whether those responsible went this route due to possible PETA complaint (resulting from the obvious) or the fact that elephants of this size are hard to train, let alone find. I would imagine most are squirreled away someplace taking selfies, auditioning for the live action adaption of Peter Jackson’s classic “Meet the Feebles”, skateboarding or taking part in something else equally as outlandish/improbable.

kung fu yoga gif

Kung-Fu Yoga itself is nothing but utterly watchable, the action is fast and furious though strays from the type of brutality exemplified in “The Raid” and “The Night Comes for Us” making it a feature the whole family can enjoy, if they be so inclined. The humor element works well both in dialogue and in the action scenes. Obviously, all one has to do is look at the DVD’s cover artwork (featuring Jackie and a Lion in an SUV) to see that it comfortably fits the Jackie Chan cinematic output mold (although he has made more than his fair share of dramas) and the film is sufficient to make most but the truly jaded and insufferable smirk during its duration.

The love interest element is playful rather than intense keeping this on a ‘family film’ platform. Seriously what’s more annoying than watching a film with a child only to have them ask “(include parental suffix here) why’s that guy putting his piss stick in her mouth?”

kung fu yoga lion

Several scenes warrant mentioning but based on the fact that I’m a lazy bastid’ I will only mention that which graces the films artwork. There’s a large cat, for some reason it’s in the back of an SUV (this scene was shot in Saudi Arabia if that’s reason enough) which Jackie is using to chase another who has recently stolen that which is the focal point of this film’s narrative. As one might imagine the cat gets frustrated and Jackie as well as trying to navigate the busy streets (of whenever this was filmed. Dubai?) he has to contend with the animal’s discontent and the fact that he/she could at any moment cleave him in twain. It’s an amusing scene and shows Jackie in top form without him once resorting to kicks, blocks or somersaults.

(courtesy of Hollywood dubbed movies)

Other animal moments include an escape from a pack of caged hungry hyenas (PETA might have a problem with this one, although I doubt the kicking animal antics were real). Another scene (which bears mentioning) is the films finale. Sans ruining the climax I’ll note a similarity to a recent “Mr. Bean” film in which the same sort of thing transpired, although in another style completely. It doesn’t ruin the film, as at this point you could hit stop and still ‘get the point’. And it successfully manages to tie the film into both Chinese and Indian cultures though is a scene (which tends to drag) one will either want to watch in its entirety or not.

(I’ve even included a trailer courtesy of UMP Movie Guide)

There you have it, I’ve managed to gloss over one of the most popular, highest grossing, Jackie Chan films in recent years whilst adding my own flair, vulgarity, silliness and more than a fair share of gifs and YouTube clips to whet the senses. And you probably didn’t learn a single thing, I didn’t mention any of the other actors, although I probably should have, the soundtrack and/or numerous other things Cult would have. I had fun, that’s how I roll. But now I have to be gone. I can smell my next meal and before I even start to think about munching upon it I need to find the flossers. That fur is a bitch, but I believe I’ve mentioned that before.

-B

Scorching the Retinas

clownado poster

Clownado (USA) 2018
Writer/Director – Todd Sheets
Runtime – 100 minutes
Extreme Entertainment
Wild Eye Releasing

 

Well howdy folks, B here again. Cult has gone and left me a gem of a film to set my peepers on.  A film with jovial face painted types and a tornado front and center in its title and artwork. Seriously what else could someone (a filmmaker) use a tornado for? Sharks, destruction of small towns plagued by trailer parks and now Clowns?

Hitting play…

(trailer courtesy of JoBlo Horror)

Whoa, I’m instantly assaulted by a montage of various and rather creepy (to be honest) painted faced circus entertainers. It’s enough to put one in seizure. And then a veritable avalanche of dubious acting. There’s a plot in the works. A mutiny. Savannah, Rachel Lagen (Dreaming Purple Neon), has hopes to ride off into the sunset with her boyfriend and her husband’s money. But the plot is foiled when he comes home. A shot is fired, and everything is back to normal.

Clownado midnight madness

Try to stay still and I’m go for the highest score with three darts

The ‘Midnight Madness Circus of a Thousand Wonders’ is in town and it’s definitely not for the kiddos. But this time the Ring (Clown) Master (Big Ronnie) has a new addition to add to the show which includes darts, balloons and his conniving ex. I honestly can’t see any animals, trapeze artists or aerial acrobatics equipment in sight.

Savannah is scorned, with the help of Autumn (I’m honestly not sure what she does as part of the Circus ensemble) she conjures revenge in the form of nature draped in viciousness, a spell I’m sure could use a little more crimson and nekkidness to work efficiently. However, something is evoked and as Ronnie is busy burying his ex’s boyfriend (whom he killed with a neato between the eyes head shot) with the help of a collective of similarly painted faced types a storm brews overhead and their car (have you heard this joke?) is pulled into the resulting maelstrom.

Tornado

Now imagine a small collective of clowns driving this force of nature

End scene to introduce an Elvis impersonator (not in any way whom one might expect), a friendly Southern gent, the “Stinky Pink” (bar, grill and topless joint) and Bambi who was recently fired resulting from a drunken SNAFU by a demanding bar owner Spider (played by genre favorite Linnea Quigley).

Something has happened to the Clown collective. Naturally, else this wouldn’t be a film based on their antics. And their preferred mode of transport is now a tornado. “Dorothy, we aren’t in Kansas anymore!”

Entering a local diner, they corner all the above characters (who aren’t clowns) and chaos ensues. Bloodshed, guts, flesh ripping and stabbings aplenty. Add to this titties with teeth, guts with tongues, cannibalistic fetishes, a backstory straight from a Hallmark channel special and quotes only Todd Sheets could provide (“Elvis get your black ass in the truck”, “…you might just have won a lucky kid award, you could have been Clown chow”. “My uncle, he owns an ice cream shop, uses liquid nitrogen to make his own shit”) and you have a winner.

clownado cast

An unlikely cast of heros and the director

Obviously, this isn’t a great movie in everyone’s book. It isn’t a Hollywood production; a million dollars wasn’t spent on the catering and it isn’t going to win an Oscar anytime soon. Admittedly not everybody enjoys mostly ad-libbed over the top acting, cheap production values and scenes chock-a-block with gratuitous gore (there’s more than one might think) and ample sweater meat. But for those who do, I see a crowd with raised hands here, Todd Sheets delivers! And this B-fest overflows with carnage, eyebrow raising horrific dialogue and characters one would only hope to meet at a Waffle House after three am cradling a coffee and a smashed, crashed, scrambled, potatoes and egg concoction.

“Bad” as this maybe it also manages to offer scenes which one might not expect, things which happen with little to no introduction. Think Selwyn from Jackson’s Brain Dead/Dead Alive and only then will you be close. The storm atmospherics are better than one might imagine, and I would be amiss if I didn’t mention Chris the storm chaser’s Star Trek, Star Wars, Dalek shirt. But the real stars of the show are the boobs (of course I’d say that!) The Insane Clown Posse impersonators come in a close second with several characters making an instant impression. Big Ronnie, played by John O’Hara, injects theatrical hilarity into every scene he’s in and that maniacal laugh. Hunter Fedelis, Bobby Westrick, is a Southerner whose charm is infectious and Joel D Wynkoop (touted as the King of B movies and a cult icon by several genre publications for his over twenty year career in the B movie arena) plays Hawk; a hermit who’s willing to fly a canister of liquid nitrogen into the eye of the storm for none other than to honor a life-long friendship.

clownado - clowns.jpg

No elephants here, only gratuitous bloodshed

All in all, a cavalcade of unlikely heroes propels this from barely watchable to highly enjoyable though it remains still far from believable in any realm of reality.

I really should mention the soundtrack at this point. It ranges from synth, western jangles to rock and is unrelenting adding mood where applicable. There’s even a specially made track for the end credits gotta’ love that!

Ever thought what kind of mess a clown’s head would make if a bullet passed through it? Clownado answers that question and more and all in glorious technicolor. Whatcha’ waiting for? Getcha’ Clown fix on! Make this part of a double billing with 100 Tears and any Clownophile and gorehound will be left salivating.

clownado event

A special event in which many got their ‘Clown fix’ on.

 

-B

 

I’ll leave this in the same way Todd Sheets and crew left the credits…

“And to people all over the world fighting to make their own movies. Never give up the dream”.

It seems appropriate and gives everyone an alternate to the unimaginative over-hyped tripe that Hollywood continues to pump out.

 

 

Clownado is on VoD now and is due to release on DVD September/17 (2019)

Abrasive Audio…to Soothe the Senses
Attack of the Compilation 12

APÓFIS

Release – August/23/2019

Against PR

apofis compilation

Well hello again. It’s been a while, but I’m back and in rare form, ready to tackle another task Cult has left (unknowingly) for me to ponder and wax poetic upon. This week I’ll bag tackling another of the many compilation pieces he has in backlog.

How I love these little slices of short and sweet introductions a collection of how-dos, “here’s what we’re all about and that’s my time… “ Forget the invention of this ‘interweb’ thing, this was and is still my favorite way of discovering new audio and from reading through the slew of other similar articles here I can see it is also Cults (what a predictable chap).

This installment finds me pondering upon the newest Against PR (out of Portugal) compilation. The artwork offers a giant sea serpent, a boat in distress and a huge red moon all of which combine to perk the interest some. Slightly different than normal label releases (in the same manner) this collection encapsulates bands from all over the world, from several different labels with several of which who remain unsigned (usually for no reason other than they haven’t been discovered yet). Quoting from the press release… (Entitled “APÓFIS”,) this new release will present 14 tracks featuring several sub-genres from the metal spectrum and will offer an opportunity to all metalheads to discover new bands. I’m intrigued at the prospect, so what say we dive straight in. But not before of course adding the usual; the all too important rating system parameters. Obviously as this is my time to shine, I’ve added my own flavor, a spiciness which I’m sure everyone will be able to consume with only minor irritation. Onwards…

confued Orc

Err, umm, nope I’m still a little confused. What’s a compilation?

Abysmal.

Not in the good way. Toss this in the ocean and punch the nearest passerby to let out all the frustrations of spending money on schiite such as this. Jesus might like this. But I still believe it has the potential to do naught but line the birds cage. Seriously, Jesus loves everything, which in my opinion is rather silly. Jesus, you’re an utter prat!

Hrrrrrhhhhh-!

Better, this shows potential. Much like, I’d imagine, your mother on a first date. But it still leaves me wanting. Teasing the good stuff, nearly there. All this needs is a little practice. Did I mention that she left me with ‘blue balls’?

The Goblin are going crazy!

Admittedly the annoying green bastids like most things and get excited at the drop of a turd but occasionally they have the occasional suggestion which turns heads. And if the whole collective, much like an obnoxious stench-ridden green tide, agrees there must be something worth giving, at least, a cursory glance towards.

Time for a Crimson Splattered Moshpit!

Now this is worth sharing, break out the goblets, the fiery liquid, the unwilling, let’s break some limbs and party till the Dark Lord yells at us to get back to work!

All Mine!

I’m a selfish bastid. And this is too fkn’ good to share, it’s all mine!! Sod off, hold my calls!

excited animal gif

Let’s do this!

The track list contains fourteen chunks of audio and is as follows;

Komatsu – Prophecy

Astral Silence – siriuS

Negative Wall – Torquemada 71

Heavy Justice – When Inmates Run the Asylum

Barbarian Prophecies – Beyond the Threshold

Carrion – Defiled Sanity

2 Wolves – Strange Patterns

Piranha – Target Failed

Forever Autumn – Tír na nÓg

Necrotombs – DISSOLVED IN ACID

Hate by Hate – Justice to Careli Case

H1Z1 – S.S. Departed (Silent Convictions)

Fallen Man – God of Black

River of Souls – Prometheus Unbound

With all these boring details of the way let me discuss what flowed between my malformed clumps of head hugging flesh and wax poetic on that which may have otherwise passed us all by.

moneybags

 

Naturally there are tracks here which I preferred more than others and others still which forced me to drop everything and prance around like one who’d just realized that a banking error had been made in his/her error (A Monopoly board game pun – how quaint!)

Without further ado here are some which grabbed my attention prompting me to lift my gaze from the porn site I was/or was not browsing at the time.

Note; I’ve added Bandcamp links (if not available other ways to listen) so that one might be able to discover the artist under scrutiny that much easier.

H1Z1 – S.S Departed (Silent Convictions)

https://h1z1.bandcamp.com/

In a similar vein to Soulfly these cats manage to combine groove and thrash in a way that makes one just want to get up and move.

forever autumn

Forever Autumn – Tír na nÓg

https://foreverautumn.bandcamp.com/

An acoustic affair with vocals which seem to emanate from an elderly person’s throat. With that being said this is oddly intriguing and the approach perfectly fits the tracks narrative. A track which borders on Black Metal boundaries, certainly Avant Garde’ and is slathered in ominous folk values. Love it or hate it you’ll want to play this strange lil’ ditty again and again.

Heavy Justice – When Inmates Run the Asylum

https://heavyjustice.bandcamp.com/

Oozing with riffs which are ultra-catchy this track feels as if plucked from the early late 80’s/early 90’s thrash catalog archives. In a similar vein both vocally and musically to Flotsam and Jetsam (whatever happened to those dudes?) this hits hard with reminiscent qualities as well melodies which instantly take ahold of the damn this is decent audio receptors.

Necrotombs – Dissolved in Acid

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_ksx-hpAq5o9a9dEm8tV_iAQh_bciqS52Y

“Meat and potatoes” style death metal which sounds eerily similar to the style Obituary peddles. With that being said this hits the spot and hailing from a one-man outfit is especially impressive. (Rumor has it Cult covers this release in its entirety in his next Abrasive Audio piece).

piranha first kill album

Piranha – Target Failed

https://piranha4.bandcamp.com/track/target-failed

With the obvious nod to Exodus in their moniker these guys are surprisingly far from the style one might expect. Instead choosing to utilize a venom dripping vocal approach and music which is a combination of thrash and NWOBHM for an overall effect which encompasses gang chants and rhythms which are criminally catchy/infectious.  This only makes me want to spin their newest (and first full length) due September/6/ 2019. Hey guys if you’re reading this, I’ll give it a few words and a little space!

Barbarian Prophecies – Beyond the Threshold

https://barbarianprophecies.bandcamp.com/track/reincarnation

Atmospheric death/doom, epic qualities with sprinkles of progressive nature = SOLD!

This track shifts constantly to stay intriguing throughout. I don’t think I’d be far wrong in saying that this should appeal to a large percentage of both the death and death/doom crowd.

Now, onto the tracks which managed somehow to hold me enthrall…

Carrion – Defiled Sanity

https://carrionbe.bandcamp.com/

Death with thrash elements featuring somewhat electronic rhythms. A tad simplistic and repetitive in places but it works and I’m prancing around like a clown drenched in cocaine in silly town.

2 Wolves

2 Wolves – Strange Patterns

https://2wolves1.bandcamp.com/album/our-fault

Is there any wonder that this rocks as hard as it does being from Global metal central Finland?

Incorporating death, doom and Gothic elements this has at times Rotting Christ qualities and yet so much more. Hard to categorize, as it has Black metal, death metal and doom elements as well Avant Garde’ qualities why bother? Sit back, relax, and let the beauty of this audio flow over your prone form. Outstanding doesn’t even come close!

Astral Silence – siriuS

https://astralsilence.bandcamp.com/

Ambient, synth laden, atmospheric. There are a few dozen ways I could choose to describe this track, an epic affair which bursts at the seams with cosmic and melancholic qualities. Incorporating a black metal back-drop it also showcases menacing tones as well surprising melody. Here is yet another example of just how far and wide the term black metal doth reach. This isn’t your parent’s black metal (if only they were cool enough) but it will most probably be your children’s! These guys are from Switzerland which only makes me wonder what the hell is in the water there and if there’s possibly a way I could bottle it to perhaps make some cash.

river of souls

River of Souls – Prometheus Unbound

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHzh62qTAMY (the above – mentioned track)

https://riverofsouls.bandcamp.com/album/the-nihilist

Unfortunately, these guys won’t be releasing a full length in the foreseeable future. However, they have left us with this as a teaser and what a fookin’ tease they are! Basted in a style which is a slew of styles wrapped into one exquisite package this offers a great deal to like especially for those who prefer their metal slathered in epic doom/Avant Garde’/black qualities. Think Akercocke colliding with My Dying Bride and then you might be close but probably not as close as someone who has a better understanding of the metal universe and a memory that serves them well, mine is shattered. This by far caps off this compilation, is the icing on the cake and only wants me to play the whole thing again as a lead up to this track itself.

My overall rating for this compilation Time for a Crimson Splattered Moshpit! Although, if truth be told there are a few tracks represented here which are far removed from that arena based on their style, this is after all a varied compilation and it does exactly as it says in offering sub genres and a slew of talent all ripe for discovery.

Thanks again to Against PR for the opportunity and the compilation to ponder upon.

against pr logo

I’m out, I need to place that River of Souls tracks betwixt my ears yet again, it’s so damn good!

-B  

Scorching the Retinas – Yet another Zombie Film

eyeballs header

Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies (2016)

Attack of the lederhosen Zombies

Fischer Film
Austrian Film Institute
Level 33 Entertainment
Level Film

 

Writers – Armin Prediger and Dominik Hartyl
Director – Dominik Hartyl
Runtime – 75 minutes

 

Well howdy folks.

It’s been a while, but I’m back fully recuperated and rocking regenerated, advanced, appendages. Funny story (well it might be to the most casual of reader), I’ll try to keep it short. Cults youngest offspring mistook me for a toy (do I look like a freakin’ stuffed character? Yea, well perhaps I do! A misfit Gothic cartoon character perhaps) and took time to perfect what she does best. The brat dismantled me! Then she had the gall to walk away as if nothing happened whilst asking for her juice. Brat! So, there I was left in pieces in a dark corner. Thankfully she has a tendency to hide her “kills” where her parents might not be able to immediately find them. This gave me a chance to “pull myself together”. Admittedly this might have seemed kind of strange to a toddler, a toy moving of its own accord (though in this day and age with animatronics and all the advances in manufacturing who knows. Perhaps she’s seen Dolls or Small Soldiers?

Dolls the original

A classic 

The Toy Story films are in constant rotation in the house this I know for a fact). Regardless, I wasn’t about to put myself in jeopardy it’s bad enough I’m hiding the last thing I want is extra attention, or an interview with a ‘journalist’ from ‘The Weekly World News’. But, I digress, it took a little time to knit myself together within which I’ve familiarized myself with several species of spider, roach, all manner of carnivorous dust bunny and Cult’s wife’s hair. It’s all over the damn place to the point where I believe he should charge it a portion of the rent. I’ve been languishing in the shadows one might say, but I’m all better now, fully recuperated though I’ve been avoiding the little one lest it all happen again. so back to the matter at hand. Cult has been gracious enough (though he doesn’t know it just yet) to leave me another template in which to drop my mental diarrhea. And so, I shall with a glorious splatter. The movie in question is the one mentioned above (duh) and I had the pleasure to watch both it and observe Cult and his daughter (who’s in town for the summer) while it was playing (confused yet? Pay closer attention, please).

It should come as no great surprise that Cult loves Zombie features, he has shelves full of them and even a stunning array of collections bursting with the lower budget end of what the same arena offers.

This however will my ponderances on the above-mentioned film, not his, as I’ve ‘beaten him to the punch’, as it were.

(courtesy of Film is Now movie trailers)

Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies is rather an odd name for a film, obviously there’s little left to the imagination in regards to what this is about, this isn’t a drama or a crime flick or even a comic hero action saga. This is a horror film pure and simple although its moniker suggests a theme of a fifties nature, for example, Attack of the… (fill in the blanks to your own liking) suggesting something unnatural and a rampage about to start because it/she/he is pissed or misunderstood and won’t take it anymore (insert Twisted Sister lyrics/picture/single artwork here). The trailer suggests an element of humor here and it doesn’t lead any potential audience members astray. This film bursts with levity and cannot, for the most part, be taken seriously.

Attack of the lederhosen zombie his vomit is green

His vomit is green!

AotLZ (for short, obviously) offers a new spin on the zombie mythos, more precisely the creation of such. In a presentation, in the far reaches of a mountain range, a snow-making machine goes haywire and explodes in the face of a potential Russian (unimpressed) investor.

attack-of-the-lederhosen-zombie-that-infernal-machine-1.jpg

Nevermind the Tupperware container, it works a charm!

The obvious happens, he turns grey, his blood, through snazzy CGI, is seen to be infected by various foreign antibodies, and his vomit is green. As luck would have it a trio of youngsters are on the same mountain, as part of a collective, shooting a promo for various unknown reasons (insert scenes of snowboarders jumping from helicopters, spinning, flipping and a plethora of yahoo antics) but after one of the three “presents” himself to a young fan, in a stunt only he thinks is funny (his parts are censored out, which leads one to believe early on that this movie might not in fact “show the goods”. We can only hope that this is constricted to nudity alone and not gore. As seriously, who watches undead films for the atmosphere this isn’t the seventies/early eighties anymore. But then again, I can see their point as to my knowledge one of the main reasons Watchmen flopped (a cleverly placed pun as you will soon see) is because of that giant blue member flopping about; is there a ‘wiener-less family version’ available I find myself wondering aloud.)

watchmen film

I can do much everything apparently but wear underwear

The trio become stranded and, this should come as no great shocker, they bump into the business types and also the unhealthy-looking vodka swilling fellow. The business deal however is apparently not yet through. Franz, played convincingly by Karl Fischer, is still fighting for a signature and has an instant dislike for the teens, he has to blame someone for the fact that his scheme might not work, although it was he who operated the sub-par equipment which resulted in the poor fellow being sprayed with the peculiarly vicious nuclear appearing chemical. His is a role and attitude which only adds to the difficulties the survivors have to traverse. He has his goals and he will damn well do what he has to in order that they are accomplished to his satisfaction, even if it means drastic results for those (and the immediate community) around him “What happens on this mountain stays on this mountain”.

Attack-of-the-lederhosen-zombies-bad guy

Get orff my grass!

The film continues. It’s the final night of festivities in a local bar, as the season will soon be over, and the place is packed. You might say there’s plenty of ripe flesh for the ripping. And to not put too much of a spoiler on things this happens. Flesh is ripped gouged, shredded, torn and has all manner of other things done to it. Shit, there’s even a death scene in a toilet, the main Frau (who becomes a large part of the film as it nears its climax) ‘taps’ a zombie, utilizes ski-poles to great advantage (“Now you see me…”) and breaks out a snowblower in much the same way Lionel used a lawnmower in Dead Alive. In fact, even early on one could say that this channels that and based on its premise and location another classic in the same genre, Dead Snow. Although the mention of Nazis is nil and there’s absolutely zero ‘Down Under’ accents detected throughout the film.

dead snow dvd cover

Because no zombie film article is complete without a mention, or picture, of Dead Snow

Much like the two aforementioned features the humor is also a huge part in this feature. A terror fueled vibe is abruptly torn asunder when one of the teenagers is heard conversing in unhurried tones with his cousin in a dialect no one can understand (rather than call for help). His companions look at him in confusion only to ask “care to tell what that phone call was about?” when he’s through. He responds quite unperturbed that he was talking to a zombie obsessed family member on “How to kill them…though, it all depends on which zombie movie we’re in.” The main Frau, also known as Rita portrayed by Margarete Tiesel, also appears to be confused as to why people are acting the way they are. Although there is a language barrier the situation is soon explained to her understanding “Not rabies, not ‘Alcho-pops’. But, Zombies”.

Further comical moments, which are surprisingly well executed throughout, include the undead swaying to local Swiss music which appears to placate them, several vengeful, subtitles which transform one languages goodbye into another languages which mean the same thing rather than the dialect one might have expected, “rabid” deer (with a thirst for the same liquid which turned the Russian gent), a snowboarding zombie, a slew of scenes with the aforementioned snowblower (the gore quotient isn’t lost on this film, thank the Dark Lord!) There’s a huge blender scene too as if the crew has a boner (I know I do!) for the classic kung-fu masterpiece that is The Story of Ricki-O.

attack of the lederhosen zombie cmon give me a kiss

C’mon, give me a kiss

A suspension scene featuring ski poles is to my knowledge a first and is guaranteed to be replicated as it is truly a remarkable feat. But let us not forget the small touches. The antagonists sport a Gremlin-esque nature and exhibit groans, squeals, and chirps much like the mischievous little critters Joe Dante helped create. This element is too, I believe, yet another nod to Jackson’s Brain Dead (aka Dead Alive) as it can heard there, most especially with the scenes Selwyn feature in but also in the Priest/Nurse romance sequence (which if you have yet to witness is a must watch, much like the film in its entirety).

The soundtrack is another element which deserves celebration, adding to moments of tension with surprising additions to its already commendation audio accompaniment; instances of both Carpenteresque and Goblinesque synth crop up to add an air of ominous nature and naturally nostalgia to the viewing experience, especially for veteran genre fans. A fiery bar scene is set to audio which sounds as if it were plucked directly from the score of Fulci’s Zombie (aka Zombie 2, Zombie Flesh Eaters).

Attack of the lederhopsen zombie nod to Fulci

Another nod to Fulci comes in the form of rising from the traditional ‘grave’

Even the credits boast somewhat of a Jean Michele Jarre (probably spelt that wrong!) vibe which could well toss most back a few decades to a slew of action epics (I’d even toss Return of the Living Dead in here too although I know it wasn’t heralded by a JMJ score)  which are strangely finding somewhat of a recent resurgence in the form of wearable cotton attire.

However, you care to slice it, rip it, tear it, this turned out a whole sight better than I first imagined it might. It boasts comedy (which works well) it has a buddy vibe which seems natural and even role reversal in the form of two characters who might appear at first rather helpless. Although a bar scene in which Branka (one of the teens with an unfortunate name played by Gabriela Marcinkova) slams a ‘predatory’ local’s face against a table is priceless. Rita manages to steal most every scene she’s in with her antics, naivety and later her willingness to adapt to the situation at hand.

AttachOfTheLederhosenZombies Effects

I’ve never had this view of my belt before now!

The practical effects herein are also a huge plus. Far from what one might expect from their forays into the lower budget of the arena AotLZ delivers. Chekov’s, the investing Russian, early flesh transformation, after the soaking, from pallid (its cold there I would imagine) to boils and a rotten composition is a great early indication as to how the movie might progress. Later effects prove the hopeful assumption/prediction to be fruitful and as the film progresses it provides its audience with a virtual smorgasbord of decapitations, flattened skulls, full body shredding antics and eviscerations all slathered in undeniable joviality.

attack-of-the-lederhosen-zombies theres even a death on the potty

There’s even a death scene on the potty

Sure, AotLZ has a few flaws, it only runs barely over seventy minutes in length; I want more carnage! The lighting is at times a tad insufficient in displaying all of the gore, which is admittedly par for the course, the snowboarding carnage montage is a little too long and artsy and a few of the scenes appear a tad crowded. But overall these are tiny gripes within a gem of a film I wholehearted recommend, a feature which will make a fantastic addition to anyone’s already bursting at the seams undead celluloid collection, time to buy another shelving unit Cult!

Attack of the lederhosen zombies Frau

Margarete Tiesel plays Rita and steals every scene she’s in!

What more is there to say? Well, I for one wouldn’t take heed of IMDB’s abysmally low rating. To be honest I usually don’t, unless I’m in the market for flashing images in a sequence to lull me to sleep (which my current predicament doesn’t allow me to do). Go into this blind. Well, not blind obviously, this takes away from the sheer joy of seeing images on a screen but go into this with no preamble (but take note of what I’ve written. Huh, this doesn’t make sense in the slightest!)  and only then will you be able to have fun.

Attack-of-the-Lederhosen-Zombies-poster

That’s it, I’m done. And about time too I can hear the little one stirring. Time to hide.

 

B

 

Editor’s Note.

I know not who does this or from whose mind these words originate. But I’ll admit I’m appreciative of the assistance so I’ll leave this here.